GK, your story could be mine. Middle age adult son who continues to use no matter what or where. The bus tickets that get cashed (for drugs), the cell phones that are sold for drugs, the "assistance" we send be it groceries, money for medical needs, some time in a motel...all done because we love our sons and just want them to be okay.
My son knew where the real help was, shelters (with counselors), detox, rehabs (the Salvation Army Rehabs are mostly free) and meetings of AA or CA or NA where he could find his balance again. "I" was not the solution, as a matter of fact I was a big part of the "problem" by enabling my son in the name of love.
As you probably know, my son disappeared for about 15 years and I never knew where he was or if he was dead or alive. I learned to start my days with a prayer, asking God to take care of him and then I learned to live a healthy life free from addiction of any kind. When he finally surfaced, I learned through a 3rd party that he had recently been released from prison and wanted to contact us. My reply was to try again in 6 months and time would tell me the direction he chose to take. It was a very short time and he was back at it and last I heard (read in a newspaper) he had been arrested with another man with a large amount of drugs and money and it was clear he had moved "up" to dealing in a big way. He will spend a long time in prison, I think. I don't worry about it because it's no more dangerous than living in the world he has chosen. I have no regret in deciding to "wait and see", I saw enough and I was not inviting that circus back to my life ever again.
What I learned many times was to let go. For me lessons need to be repeated to poke me in the ribs a nd remind me to grab my own recovery and hang on tight. I learned that nothing I did or didn't do, nothing I said or didn't say, made a bit of difference in how he chose to live his life. I learned that "his" addiction could kill "me".
I learned that the best thing to do, no matter what the drama, was absolutely nothing.
It wasn't easy but God and I have a very close relationship today and I am grateful for even the pain that led me to Him. My life is so much better when I turn everything over to Him. My son knows God too and will find him when and if he is ready. God knows where he is.
No mother or father should have to lose a child to drugs. We can fight disease and circumstance but we just cannot fight drugs, it's all bigger than us.
We are all here to walk with you on this journey. We know your pain and will share our light until you can find yours again. Please keep your own support in place, whether it be here or at meetings or counseling...or all of the above. YOU matter and I promise you that it can get better and life can be worth living again. Stick around, help yourself to the warm support and caring.
Remember, the best thing we can do for our addicted children is...nothing. Doing nothing is an action and a good choice.
Hugs from this mama's heart to yours.