When I was going through this I didn't realise just how incredibly selfish and cruel and downright stupid I was. What I really needed to do was to seek professional help, forget about my ego and think about how to sanely care for myself and my loved ones. For some reason I'd been falling through the cracks for much of my adult life, somehow managing to convince people I know best. After therapy, rehab and some acceptance I needed help I was able to see how warped my thinking had become. You're in the right place here. It's good start. Think about going to the doctor for some meds. Keep posting.