The Struggle is real.... real hard
In August of last year my husband approached me and said he “checked out” and wanted a divorce. My drinking had amped up because I knew he was cheating on me. He was sick of my drinking and threatened to take my son away from me if I didn’t go to reheb.
So after a week of extreme drinking and Xanax, I checked myself in. 28 days and as soon as I got out I went to the package store. Things got messy, and well, without going into detail, my husband now has a court ordered temporary custody. You think this would knock me to my senses. I am in two IOP’s and therapy yet I continue to relapse.
I am struggling so bad. I can’t digest the AA rhetoric. Although one day at a time resonates. I already know in my head I will drink tonight. And then I get my son this weekend and that right there is a guarantee I WILL be sober. Why is it NOT CLICKING? I feel ashamed, unworthy, unloved. And as a result I put myself in risky situations with people with whom I keep my recovery a secret. And I reach out to these people for validation because my husband does not want me.
This double whammy of going through a divorce and trying to stay sober is damn near impossible and Im scared.
This is more of a rant… the struggle is so damn hard and painfull. I can’t take it.