Just before falling asleep....
It has been a long time since the thoughts came to me just before I fall asleep. Feelings of guilt for my actions, or inactions while still drinking. The thoughts of regret, thoughts of remorse, sorrow for hurting the ones I love and for hurting myself. They want me to be restless all night, tossing and turning in bed with that sick feeling in my gut. Even causing a tear to roll down my cheek, like my soul trying to escape the pain by leaving my body. It took over 4 years sober before I did not have to get up and stay up, no matter what time it is, just to escape the darkness. I remember, like it was yesterday, all those years ago, when I was awakened in the middle of the night, with the dark thoughts creeping in, trying to break my resolution to stay sober. That night, however, I was able to say through the tears "Thank you God, that I am not that person anymore." and roll over and go back to sleep. Now, as I near 27 years Sober, the thoughts found their way back into my mind these last few days. I know now that prayer will make them recede, that thanking God that I am not that person anymore heals my soul. I know that being aware that the dark thoughts are not my reality today, but my past trying to pull me back, knowing this, is a powerful tool in my recovery. .
I suppose the reason for this thread is to get the message out there of how important it is to be aware of the cunning nature of this disease. Never get so comfortable that you let your guard down, the ending of this message could have been so much worse than a few rough nights.
Cathy