I had experiences similar to what you describe, maybe just the same. The last two times I drank, I had no intention, no advance notice, no deliberation. The full-blown
need to drink just came over me. It's what some people describe as losing the power of choice. I feel like that's what happened. Well, it was a little different the second-to-last time. I did consider what I should do instead, but discarded every suggestion I made to myself as completely useless because I knew the decision was already
made, you know?
I had to come to a place where, in my mind, there was literally not an option to drink. Where my immediate response would be devoid of Thinking About Drinking. I employed a number of strategies to get along with the dis-ease I felt during those times, but the reaction I had to the idea of drinking simply became, "I Never Drink Now." It took all the fight out of me - in regard to drinking. There was a lot of fight left in me about the things that "made" me want to drink, and those are the things I had to work through. It makes me anxious just thinking about it, but you know what? I DID it! It wasn't fun or easy or comfortable, but it didn't kill me either.
The times I think about actually drinking are few and far between now. The most intense period was during the first 3-4 months, then like Alice describes, "muscle memory" seems to take over.
It does get better, RLee. And also, if your experience is anything like mine, the medications may actually help when you take them regularly AND don't drink.
But that doesn't happen overnight - anxiety predictably increased for me without alcohol. It's alright - it will pass even if it feels like it never will.
O