Hi Twinotter . . . . welcome to Soberrecovery and so glad you found us.
As you have noticed, what you are going through is the worst of the worst. The situation is horrific. Leaving is an agony.
Huge kudos to you for coming here and calling AA. Please continue to seek out every bit of support you can get. Most of us can't do it alone. It is just too hard.
I do think there is a subtle and powerful difference for men in the situation. However, the havoc alcoholism wreaks on families is just as destructive no matter which spouse is the addict. We do have men here who are active.
Let us know how you get on and may battalions of angels dive-bomb your family.