JW1219-
I am so sorry for all the hurt and heartache you must be experiencing right now.
I finally started to deal with the elephant in the room of my own relationship, my ex's drinking when an affair surfaced.
I agree with everyone above that alcohol and affairs can have different challenges and healing, but I will say that I experienced one similarity with them both.
Me, myself and I; and my reaction to both. I spent a lot of time and energy trying to fix myself, my relationship and everything for my loved one so they would not feel the urge to drink or engage in the affair. I spent a lot of time not expressing my own feelings because I did not want to rock the boat for my ex.
In retrospect I was doing a lot of things that were not mine to do, and if I had the distance I would have realized that my ex was not actively trying to heal or make it better.
Getting help, and support for me during the time was the best gift I could ever give myself and any future relationships I may have. Al-Anon helped. Therapy helped. Reading here and affair sites helped. The ideas of the three Cs - I did not cause it, cannot control it and cannot cure it helped with healing from both. Any healing I did, helped with all sides of it. On an affair site it said it takes 2-5 years to heal from an affair and that idea helped me to not feel crazy that it was taking so long.
This would have sounded counter-intuitive me at the time....but I had to jump in and work on my own stuff, regardless of the outcome for my ex and my marriage. I had to come to learn that I cannot put in charge the person who has hurt me, to heal me and in my case I was giving him all of my power.
What I do know is that I have healed from both experiences, and that while I hated the lessons, the learning has been powerful. I know you are capable of this also.