newhope, part of my story is a lot like yours. I vividly remember thinking on my wedding day that this was all a sham and that my new husband was just playing out a part. I stayed a long time - 12 years - because I was raised to believe that marriage is forever, no matter what. The day I realized just how much of an impact this verbally abusive, narcissistic, volatile human being was having on my daughters, I knew it was time to divorce him and figure out a way to keep the girls with me. I think it took about a year more for me to muster up the courage because I had no idea how I was going to raise 3 girls then aged 5-9 all on my own. I was afraid. For sure, he blamed me for any trouble we had in the marriage and did all manner of nasty things including gaslighting, affairs, and demeaning me. I could take that. I thought. But when I saw my girls' future with him, it was clear that I was going to have to be the grownup and figure it out.
The girls are grown now and I'm not on the best terms with two of them due to my own crappy alcoholic behavior that started while they were in their teens. It's going to take a long time for us to heal, but I know we will. Meanwhile, not one of them wants to have anything to do with their father because each of them eventually realized on their own what a rotten example of a man he is. It's a testament to his jerkiness that they never even reached out to him when I went off the rails.
I have never regretted leaving the man. It puts me in mind of my boss way back when the kids were young. She was divorced with two children, and I said "I can't even imagine how hard that must be for you." She responded simply, "Some things are even harder." Word.
O