Originally Posted by igfan
why do i struggle with whether i'm an alcoholic or not? why do i struggle with whether i want to quit drinking or not? I feel like I'm living a double life. I really want to make my life better, I want to be happy for once in my life, but the problem is (besides alcohol) that I seem to be only person concerned about my life. My husband doesn't think my drinking is a problem (if he does he doesn't say anything...communication is not one of our strong points). I have been in self destruct mode for a while now, I think I'm just looking for someone to tell me they care, that i do indeed have a problem, and i think most of all i want it to be my husband. I want him to want me to get help, to attend AA meetings if thats what it takes. I have tried to quit in the past and did attend meetings, but I think he felt threatened or resentful. He doesn't come from a family of alcoholics so he doesn't understand the purpose of AA. I had to limit my number of meetings to 2/week to make him happy. I guess maybe that's my biggest problem is trying to make everyone else happy. Right now i'm struggling.......somedays i wonder how i can scream for help so someone will hear me (DWI? Single car Accident? Both?). I can't even really use this website for support because I can only check it out from work (my husband wouldn't understand). I'm just babbling now, don't even know why i felt compelled to write this. I guess i just need to put my feelings into words. Thanks all.
You've raised more than one issue, igfan. First, you ask why you struggle w/whether or not you're alcoholic. What happens when you decide you're not going to drink? Do you crave it? Do you go back to it to deal with emotions? Most people will tell you that if you start questioning whether or not you're alcoholic, you probably are. Most normal drinkers never approach that question because it doesn't occur to them.
The other part of it, not getting help because of your husband's feelings -- well, I can totally relate. People-pleasing was one of my biggest shortcomings. We want to keep the peace, keep everyone happy, not make any waves. Is your drinking having any effect on your marriage? You say your husband doesn't think you have a drinking problem. Does he drink? As much as you do? Often, if someone acknowledges a problem in others, it forces them to examine their own behavior.
The last thing that really concerns me about your post is that you are entertaining thoughts of causing something to happen in order to force your husband to care about your problem. If you're a victim of alcoholism, then he has to respond in a manner that shows he loves you and cares about you...? These are thoughts I have also shared. In my case, they didn't work. They nearly resulted in my death. Please try to look at them for what they are -- an unhealthy plea for help and an attempt to manipulate someone else's feelings.
One of the many reasons I drank (other than the fact that I'm an alcoholic and it was normal for me to drink)) was because I always looked to external sources for my happiness. I've been working on it for a long time, and I still slip into that kind of thinking/feeling, but it's been getting a lot better. You can get better, too...but you may have to do some things that aren't comfortable for you to do and another person used to you doing things a different way is probably not going to understand. The bottom line is that alcoholism is a chronic, progressive, and often fatal disease. It doesn't get better unless treated. AA is my treatment.
Do you pray, igfan? I'm saying a prayer for you right now.
Peace & Love,
Sugah