LostinMD

I am reaching out here in hope of some perspective from the guys....I have been dating my boyfriend for about 5 months. Realized about 2 months in that he has a serious drinking problem. Of course, he has weeks where it is or appears to be a little more under control than others....

What I am looking for feedback/opinions on has to do with the stuff said while drunk...I had heard long ago, "a drunken mouth speaks a sober mind." And in general, I can see how that is---I know when I have had too much, I am much less inhibited and will say or text things I never would have had the courage to do stone cold sober.

Anyway---my struggle recently is in what to believe because lately his drunk speeches contradict themselves in regards to what he feels for me.

When he is sober, he is a very shy, introvert and hates expressing his feelings. When drinking, especially the last month or so, all I hear is how much he loves me, I am always on his mind, he feels so ashamed that the drinking has impacted the ability for us to have sex as much as we both would want, he wants a future with me (and even goes into detail about selling his place in the near future, moving in together, etc), he asks me to please be patient and not give up on him (he is getting back on his feet financially & wants to cut back on drinking) because he wants to give me only the best, please never leave him, etc. All the good stuff, right?

We had a few great weeks where we spent a LOT of time together, no major issues, having a good time...and then Monday was my birthday. I was at his place since that Friday, we had a great weekend of hanging out and going out to eat and hang with friends, wake up Monday and it was like he was a different person. Very cold, very distant. Wished me a HBD, but then just gave off the body language he wanted to be left alone. I asked if we were going out later or what and he just said, well I am out of cash and it is your BD, I can't let you pay. I was hurt, and I left. Later that night, he called and apologized, admitted "I ****** up. Next year, hell even Xmas, will be amazing. You deserve better." He said the next few nights he would be taking a break from drinking and going out (no doubt due to lack of $$)....so over the next few days, his texts were general chit chat. No "love you" no kiss emoji (which he would frequently text)....I assumed this was because he was in semiwithdrawal and not feeling great.

Last night, he called me late and had been drinking. Said he had stopped for 4 days, his longest streak in a while and just had to drink. Questioned why I would want to stay with him....more general rambling chatter related to his day, the dogs...and then the loan came up. I loaned him some $$ a few weeks ago, with a plan for repayment (he signed a contract) and he has started to repay. So, he mentions he may be getting a large check from something that had been pending, "and so if I get that, I can pay you back in full and then that is it. We can be done, cut ties completely."

I was shocked. He had been colder and more distant the last few days but....this ? And I questioned him on it and he just said, "Oh my God, you are SOOOOO sensitive why are you so sensitive." I said, well is that how you feel? You want to break up? The money isn't a reason for us to stay together, that is fine...

and he changed the subject....but I asked again----you saying you want to end this, be clear? And he finally said, no, I don't want to break up. I said well then why the hell would you say that? he said, "I haven't been using you for money this whole time ok?" I said no, I didn't think you were...and he said look I guess I am not used to women really liking me for me....I usually spend a LOT of money on them. I am thinking you are different I guess.

A few weeks ago, middle of the night I got a text that just said, "Hey, I over you." This after all the previous texting was kisses and I love you etc....when I pushed him the next day as to WTF he said, I do stupid **** when I drink. Ignore me. And we moved on like nothing happened ....

SO---from those of you who struggle with this disease and are in relationships; which version of this man am I to believe ? I would say 98% of the time it is love love love you baby, then I get these random flashes of "we need to end this, I want to break up".....I know he is very insecure about the relatiionship (insists I should move on to someone better that he doesnt deserve me)...I think he is also a bit conflicted because he is legally still married to a woman who according to him, he doesn't see that often (like several months in between) and has been married to less than 2 years (she lives out of state). I haven't pushed too hard on that point as I am still legally married, but divorcing (slowly winding through the courts, thanks covid).

Maybe I need to just cut my losses and run, but yeah....I care about this guy. There seems to be a pattern though of a week or two where we practically live together and things are great, then I go back to my place and he pulls away and is distant and occasionally even goes as far as to say these things.