You are not a terrible person, gas lighting can be quite mind crushing and as you find your own way you will realize that it was always "about him and his bad behaviour. As long as he can make you feel like the bad guy, he gets to not take any responsibility for his poor choices and actions.
There is a book by Melody Beattie called "Codependent No More". It is the best book I ever read about explaining clearly why we do the things we do and why we allow ourselves to be so affected by what "they" do. It's well worth the read. Also, meetings like CoDA, Al-anon and Nar-anon have helped many here,. including me. Maybe do yourself a huge favour and find one in your area and go.
Only he can change the way he is and it doesn't look like he is ready to change any time soon.
But YOU can change how you live, you can decidewhat is acceptable in your life and what is not and you do not need anyone's approval. You deserve a happy healthy relationship and this just isn't it.
Good luck.