Originally Posted by
acshore 
Also, if you allow them to mistreat themselves, or you for that matter, it reinstates their shame and need to use alcohol to cope, and you to stick around to try and protect them from their consequences. I wish someday I will hear from him, I have hope, but cannot bank on it; much as I wish. What I can know in my heart, is that I cared enough about him to no longer enable his behavior and do the right thing by allowing his actions to manifest his outcome, and right by myself by setting boundaries. It is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I'm here for myself right now, solely. But should he choose to want to reenter my life? ONLY, and if ONLY if he is doing right by respecting me, but as well as himself.
Hi ac, sorry you are going through a tough time with this person, I know you care.
You know, you don't actually 'allow' someone to mistreat themselves, they either do or they don't, nothing to do with you. In fact you don't allow anyone to do anything (barring children of course!).
He is the master of his own life and nothing you do or say will probably alter that. People make changes when they want to, now, later or never, generally that is totally out of our control.
What is in our control is what we do about that (or not).
Staying with an alcoholic is not necessarily "enabling" them. There are many people who have been in a relationship with an alcoholic for years and either feel trapped or have chosen to stay.
Because you are not heartless, and the disease knows that.
The "disease" doesn't actually know anything. Although you speak of it as a third party, it's not really, it's part and parcel of the addict. One person, one personality. I think sometimes it can be detrimental to try to separate the "real person" from the "addicted person". It is one person. All things cannot lay at the feet of the addiction. There are choices to be made. I do believe that some people don't have the will to quit, for whatever reason (and I don't mean willpower). That is up to them.
I'm certainly not sitting in judgement here, I do understand the seriousness of addiction and how it can take hold of a person. I think the only consideration is how it makes you feel to be around him, which in this case is obviously horrible. It is, perhaps, just as simple as that.