Hey Hawk, thanks for asking. I've been "about to" post an update any number of times, then always find something else to distract me. Not a bad thing...
Home is good. I like it here and like it even better every day as I settle in bit by bit. I've yet to do the second round cleaning, but it is really quite tidy and getting homier every day. Last week while I was in my office, I noticed for the 1000th time that I have art made by the girls that I've intended to frame for
years. I finally ordered frames and got everything hung and really like it. Most of it went in my office, so this has become a place where I really enjoy spending time. Started a puzzle last night, so now I have something to do during conference calls. It will help me to focus on what's being said rather than doing all of the other things I get distracted by when I should be listening.
Went back to the sober home Thursday evening for a little birthday celebration one of the women was having. Just three of us hung out, but that was fine - I like the three of us best, anyhow.
Eldest came over Friday to celebrate my birthday with me. She brought a meal and cheesecake. We ate and watched "Mom," and it was very low key - just what I wanted. At one point, while she was hugging me, I said, "Thanks so much for coming. At least one of my daughters loves me." Ugh. Called her yesterday morning to apologize for that and she told me it was perfectly ok, not to worry about it. I told her no, it was wrong of me to do that pity thing and even worse to involve her in it. I insisted that she accept my apology and she did, disclaiming that it was unnecessary.
As predicted, middlest sent me a non-emotive "Happy birthday" text. At 10:30 that night. I didn't get any joy out of being right about that, but I did get some satisfaction (?) that I knew in advance it would play out like this. Control, you know - it's a thing with me. Neither hide nor hair of youngest, as per usual.
I noticed yesterday morning that I was feeling uncomfortable, so arranged for a call with my sponsor (K) that afternoon. Told her the story of all of the recent jazz with middlest and noted that although I'd been prepared for this, I was feeling something and wanted to talk about it. She told me that our alcoholic selves create a sick family, that the impact we have is further than we can know, that middlest needs to come back in her own time. At the conclusion of her second explanation in this vein, she asked me if any of that resonated with me. I hemmed and hawed and finally said, "I'm struggling because I don't want to be disrespectful, and my kids tell me that saying 'I know' is rude. But I know those things you said and I'm not complaining about any of that stuff - I understand all of that. I just know that I was feeling uncomfortable and when I'm feeling that way I
have to talk with someone." K responded, "Of
course you do, and I'm so glad you wanted to talk." After some discussion, she went on to acknowledge that I've been harmed in my previous relationships in and out of the program and she is sort of handicapped because she doesn't really know me yet. Said she wants to get to know me better so that she has some understanding of where my emotional triggers are because she doesn't want to cause any further pain. Further, she volunteered that our relationship has no hierarchy and I don't need to be so careful in how I speak with with - it's fine to be frank and open with her. So, wow. In the middle of that conversation, I was ready to fire her and by the end I was thanking my lucky stars for having happened across this strong empathetic woman.
I'm meeting up for lunch with one of my friends from the sober home today. I don't want to go. I just want to stay home and putter around by myself all day. But I know that I'll really enjoy hanging out with this woman and I certainly know that it's important for me to resist isolating.