This is a tough one & something I struggle with ALL the time. We saw a marriage counselor for a short time where I felt like we were making progress but anytime I tried to bring up the alcohol & how deeply it affected so many other aspects of our relationship she told me we “weren’t ready to deal with that yet”. Whatever that meant I never found out b/c we moved across the country & never found a new counselor. I will say that I’ve seen some definite improvements in other areas of our relationship over the past 1-2 years. Communication is better for one (as long as it’s not about me finding his stash of vodka). I attribute the improvements to 2 things - 1 - he let go of a lot of anger & resentment that he’d been taking out on me, making him more willing to be nice. & 2 - I don’t discuss anything of substance with him in the evenings, & if he starts to twist an innocent conversation or seems drunk enough to make me uncomfortable I immediately disengage & go “to bed”.
Ultimately though I don’t think we’re building or improving anything in our marriage b/c none of this is what a healthy relationship looks like. And I don’t know if any of this will be helpful long term. But it’s a lot easier to live with day to day than it was before. Good luck to you.