Biminiblue, thanks for your insight. I don't know how to copy and paste an excerpt of your text (so maybe you can tell me how to do that), but you said:
"I have to say that if someone's conversation style was like yours in (my) early recovery, I would have been pretty confrontational too. It feels intrusive to ME and I'm not your husband."
I don't do everything right. I want to understand how to communicate better on my end. I have spent years in therapy and I am open to change. I am hoping for more help from you guys on what will work. Our history includes violence and tragedy. From my perspective, communication is the most important thing, and I see I'm not doing it right or at least not getting good results. I have had traumatic brain injury so maybe that's part of it, but I am the sole supporter for many years off-and-on while he slipped farther into drinking and mental illness and didn't do anything at home, just blamed me for not keeping the house better or managing our finances and kids better. I though once he stopped drinking and was getting help for bipolar that things would improve.
I am hearing from you what I hear from him: that I should keep doing everything myself, expect nothing from him in terms of partnership or parenting or functional support in day-to-day activities or emotional/physical closeness, give him time, and support his approach to sobriety. This is what I did while he was drinking and now you say to continue the same? Are you simply saying my expectations are unrealistic for someone in recovery to be invested and accountable to anyone but their sobriety? Or are you saying that my communication sucks and that there is some obvious way I can communicate that would work or that I should just not communicate at all, and just keep doing everything myself until he recovers via his own program self-styled approach? How long will that take? How will things get better if we don't communicate for years until he is recovered? I think it is better to learn new ways to communicate, and so what is your suggestion?