I am an absolute professional at tearing myself down. Weeks ago I picked up the local community paper out of my mailbox. Its some crap with how normal families are going through lockdown. Stories with local guys. Many even a little younger than me, with their beautiful (some) wives and their children, pictured in front of their beautiful homes in the rich neighborhoods.
I'd like to say I have my recovery together, I have all the answers all the time but I don't. Sometimes I look at how I think I should stack up to society's standards and I don't measure up. Its hard to put into words how angry and upset I can get about this.
The best thing I could do for my recovery was turn my will over to God. That's what got me sober. That's what gave me peace in recovery. The problem I run into from time to time is this depression. The depression comes after I turn my will over to God but he doesn't carry it out the way that I want him to.
So I took another hour this morning. It's cool and damp so I took some time to meditate next to an open window. There is a brook right outside packed with wildlife. Just took in the serenity of the fresh air and the birds singing. Breathing out all that fear and building back up that trust of God's will for me. I'm right where God wants me to be no matter how messed up it's looked at times.