It makes you one of us Lines.
Sounds like you're beating yourself up over things that you can;t go back and change now.
I made my life a living amends - still do in some respects I guess.
I can;t forget what I did but I've done more good things than bad now and that makes a difference.
I also feel fundamentally changed. I see getting high or drunk now for what it is - a horribly empty experience.
D