The severity of that binge was similar to yours Dee. I pretty much blew up my whole life. Did so many things that went against my values. Cheating on my wife. Purposely doing something at work which I knew was wrong, illegal, and had the potential to ruin my employer. I knew it was wrong on one level, but my mind said it was ok because no one would ever know. There was a whole convoluted plan which really made no sense to a logical mind. A friend attempted suicide, I got very sick and ended up in the Intensive Care.
Looking back, before all that. Now I realize it wasn't ok to be using at all. It wasnt ok to feel about myself the way I was feeling. Or to push myself, to think unless I was so good and met certain expectations I would be a failure.
maybe this is what scares me. I thought I'd dealt with all that years ago in treatment. But those same feelings were present when I accepted the offer of the coke and started using again. But what does this all make me? An addict, stupid, emotionally broken STiLL? I dont know. Maybe I will always feel not good enough and always be in danger of doing something stupid and impulsive. And that affects not only me, but my wife. And kids if we start the family we want.