I really am journaling now, coming up to midnight, but keeping in mind venus' comments no apologies for doing so!!
When we got in this evening I asked my wife if she wanted to tell me how she was feeling and what she was thinking. She said she didn't feel like it - that's normal, she's refused to talk to me about this separation in any depth at all. So i asked her if she could explain why she wanted to separate and could see no possibility of reconciliation or point in working to save the marriage.
She told me that the nature of my behaviour has continued even though I'm not drinking, and the way I relate to her has gone on for so long she can see no possibility of improvement. She then listed five or six things that showed this in the last few days (all of which I would dispute but it wasn't the time!). The crux of the matter is that she has tried for so long she doesn't see any possibility of the relationship improving. She also said she didn't feel love for me, and that the kids had be damaged by my behaviour and so separating would be better for them.
I listened. I didn't argue, just listened. At the end I told her I thought all of it could be made better...she said in a functional relationship it could, but she had no trust in how I would use the conversation going forward. At the end as we wound up I told her I understood her feelings on the past and present and shared them, but as an optimist did have hope in the future even if she didn't share it. I also asked if the repeated patterns she referred to had happened in this conversation...she conceded they hadn't.
There is no conclusion to this report! - just getting it out there. Feels better taking it from my head to the screen