katem96

My boyfriend and I had been together for 2 1/2 years and lived together for most of that time. Last January he developed a cocaine addiction in secret, and did not tell me until June at which point he did not seek treatment/recovery support. He has been attending an online intensive outpatient recovery program for over a month, and his use has subsided. He has relapsed a handful of times since February- the last time I drove him to the hospital over cocaine toxicity like symptoms. It was the most severe incident yet.

He has had a very rich history of drug use- he began to recreationally use marijuana and alcohol as a young person (14), he is very familiar with psychedelics and experimental drugs, and has a marijuana possession charge from when he was a late adolescent. His alcohol and marijuana use continued and weaned into early adulthood when use was very infrequent - until we met when he stopped entirely, something I didn't consider as being indicative of a greater problem.

Anyway, he just needs to be alone for all the reasons I'm sure you guys know. He can't be a good partner because of his addiction. He can't be romantic or prioritize an intimate relationship because his recovery will continue to flounder. It seems like he has a history of dependency - pleasing people makes him happy, but he doesn't know how to do this for himself and he has severely low self esteem. He has leaned on our relationship and my love to feel good about himself and as a result doesn't know who he is anymore. He's also recently realized that he has been living with depression for a number of years.

I understand practically that we are both incredibly young and have a lot to work through independently. His recovery is of utmost importance. This is life or death for him - if he continues to place things in front of his recovery he is going to continue to fail at sobriety. I love him too much to continue trying to be his partner while he is suffering from addiction- he can't be blamed for taking care of himself.

I'm just having a really difficult time. Slowly I will begin to detach from our relationship, I understand. Moving out of our apartment is hard. I really integrated into his family - all of my own family are deceased or otherwise absent, and these people, my boyfriend included, have been my family for the last 2 1/2 years. It is hard to imagine living without their support.

Our relationship was loving and fun and insightful and adventerous until the last few months. He is absolutely my best friend and I would love for a friendship to be sustainable, but I'm worried I will continue to have feelings for him that cannot be reciprocated. I'm also having a really difficult time with fantasizing about a future where we can be together, when he is ready and able. And all of the other young-relationship worries, like imagining him moving on. I don't know. Maybe he will be a different person then and it won't matter anyway. I love him a lot and I don't want this to be over but I can't admit to myself that actually is.

He's said that he needs to take time to figure out what he wants, establish a true system of values, not rely on the first pleasurable thing to make him happy, develop discipline - and if all of these things were already true that we could be together. And these are things I can develop too. He said he loves me and wouldn't leave me if he absolutely didn't feel that he must. Those comments planted a seed in my head that we could be together eventually. It's wrecking me. I wish we could grow together.

I just want support, or something. I want to know how to not fantasize about being with him the future. I want to know why we can't be together now through this. I just want anything at all to make sense about this.