Day 6 ✔️
Fair warning: lengthy post 😊 but an absolute must for me as a reminder of what I am going through. Hopefully, it will inspire you and provide with hope and a different way of looking at things. For me, a change of perspective could be a life-saving tool.

Today, I am back with the best news ever: my son has forgiven me for my relapse!!! My soul is elated and my heart is filled with joy and purpose. Very emotional but happy tears this time. Anxiety is still unbearable. Shame, regret, humiliation is still there almost a week later. I think it is still that severe due to my OCD and not remembering events from Monday night. Still guessing and trying to piece them together. Very unhealthy and soul-distructive. Anyways, back to my son...
We sat down last afternoon and had a very long, heart-to-heart talk. I finally got a chance to explain my side of things and was heard. Cannot be more proud of how smart, caring, wise, understanding my son is for an 18 year old. He said to me; ‘the past 5 days me not talking to you felt like an eternity. I missed you more than you could ever know. It felt like my world had ended because you were not in it, and I could hear you cry in the next room. I so wanted to come and talk to you sooner but did not know how to start a conversation. I could see how hurt and depressed you were by my silent treatment and it was breaking my heart. I can see how hard you are trying to be the best you can be on daily basis. You do everything for us and should not be defined by your mistakes. I forgive you, mama. It was a stupid mistake and we will get past it together. Don’t you ever pick up another drink! I need you! You are my best friend! I love you!”

I will stop right here as I trust you can see how amazingly well, yet emotionally, my Saturday afternoon went. I am so blessed to have my family and all of you good people by my side. I can clearly see how much I am loved and needed; it is giving me such purpose and strength. I feel like I can do anything and staying sober does not take effort anymore. It is the only thing that makes sense to me right now, truthfully. If drinking is the only thing that could stand between my happiness and having a superb relationship with my family, then I am going to eliminate it completely!!! It has no value to me! My family does!!!!!
I am not in denial about my drinking pattern; I am just finding new strategies to beat it! A new plan, a totally new mindset that came to me last night as I was analyzing my past.
My way of looking at it is as follows: some people have to give up so much more in order to make things work and make/keep their family happy and functioning as one unit. All I have to do is be myself! Sounds way easier to me when I look at it that way. Not much to ask, right? My true self is not a drinker. Once angle had changed, my plan became doable. So now, all I really have to do is not apply all my energy and thoughts towards fighting the urge to drink (which I have “negative one” at this point) but change BACK, sort of speak. Then, I can use the knowledge and past experiences to be my real self. Makes sense? Do you see what I mean?
I am trying to find an individual approach to the problem that could work for me long-term and possibly save someone else’s life and relationship in similar circumstances.

whatever works, I say 🙌🏻
giving it my all ❣️

Thank you for reading my Day 6 progress report 😊
Best to you, my friends! I will be back tomorrow (with a much shorter post) to mark my Day 7!