daveycrockett

The $60 would have been to the two counselors not actual medical doctors, but I might have been scheduled to see a psychiatrist and who can prescribe medications. It's crazy what I'm doing I guess that says a lot about my real frame of mind. That's true I did complain about not finding a doctor. I also realized I'm unique with my whole situation that nobody can really understand and help with I'm sure of that.

Past couple days have been really really bad with my breathing, I know I have a cold maybe bronchitis maybe pneumonia I don't know. Maybe it's meant for me to just lay down and die when the time comes. I'm just in a bad way depression is real hard right now too. If I'm not working I'm laying down for the most part.

think I really need some anti-anxiety medications such as Klonopin and Valium they always work good for me. I just won't ever do any psychiatric meds again especially antidepressants. And even when I spoke to the counselor she was already talking about antidepressants. I know I need to see the psychiatrist or a doctor to get some but I screwed that up.

I really need a real person with me to talk to me to be with me and I do not have that. Anytime I talk to my son about anyting health-related he doesn't even answer or he totally changes the subject. I now realize I am absolutely crazy because what I do is just absolutely stupid and ridiculous. I feel so bad today I really need to get to the hospital, really I'm trying to talk myself into it. This phobia just has total control over me. it scares me to think about oxygen but I would do it if it would help I guess I don't know.

Some of the things I say on here even are just not making sense anymore I'm not even sure if I ever made sense before. At this point the best thing for me would be going to the mental hospital like Butler where I could get both mental and physical help I realize that is what I need. But before I when I was desperate for help I went there and and they just told me to go home. I needed help in the past and I could not get it when I was actively seeking it.

I screwed up I never should have cancel those appointments I don't know what I'm doing anymore I really am a wreak. I think I have a cold maybe bronchitis maybe pneumonia I don't know. I feel real bad. I'll try to talk to my son at 3 to see if you can say something because when I talk to my ex-wife she won't say much either. I guess this is what happens to someone when they can't get the care they need and they get turned away when they want it I am a product of a screwed-up system and I can't trust it and I don't like put my faith in it either.

I was supposed to go to work today from 12 to 8 they forced me to work those hours. the desk Captain called me yesterday and asked me to go in in the morning and I said I couldn't because I had an appointment and I don't like to lie like that I said that because I don't feel well at all. After I hung up with him the other Captain called me back and she asked me what time my appointment was when I said 10 she said well you can come in from 12 to 8. I told them I don't want the hours because it interferes in my social security disability but they don't care. I couldn't sleep all night I was all upset all I do is think about my benefits and think about money I'm a total wreck. so today I was getting ready to leave for work at my got real light-headed and I thought I was going to fall down I called up and told him I was not going to work today and they were all upset so I'm probably going to quit my job today. They found out what I was I was possibly available and made me work them.