My ex was an alcoholic and a bastard. Who knows what caused what? I do know that what you are taking about here is how to engage him in a manner he will hear. The problem is, whether it’s because he is drunk or because he is emotionally manipulative for whatever reason, it is indeed totally worthless to tell these people “I don’t tolerate BS anymore” and then let them try to beat you to death with their version of twisted reality about how they are fine and you are nuts or not being a good spouse by even saying this or what have you. It’s not your job to find a way to describe it exactly perfectly so he will understand even though he doesn’t think he is wrong. That is impossible by design. There is no conversation about his conduct that will result in him understanding you, because he is purposefully deflecting.

What I hear when people say “don’t play that game” is that there is no point in trying to logic or explain your position that will succeed because the entire point of the interaction is that YOU lose and YOU are wrong. The problem is not that you haven’t explained it right. It’s that he’s willfully (or drunkfully, either way) steering this to all your fault.

If you want to try to see if he is capable of not pulling this crap, you could say “you may not speak to me like that or I will leave” and then follow through. Doesn’t matter if he whines about how you are the cruel person or says he was joking or that you are not communicating. Any thing other than immediately stopping and you just walk away. Rinse repeat. You can’t win, so the point isn’t to smile and pretend it doesn’t hurt, it’s to extricate yourself from the abusive interaction. If you don’t want to leave like, physically and totally, you can leave on the small scale when it’s happening.

That never worked for me. The only way I got to inhabit a world where people treat me with respect and never try to explain why my needs are wrong or need to be shaken and screamed at to see how awful their choices are for everyone else was to divorce him. I was married to the only person in the world who seemed to think I was incapable, or mean, or a bad wife or a bad housekeeper or whatever else at the moment. Why on earth was that ok? Why was literally every person in my life, even my casual coworker, nicer to me than the person who was supposed to love me the most? Because, whether because if alcohol or not he was mean. So I left and That’s how I stopped hearing it.

Few here will tell you straight up to leave him. We will say “you decide what you will put up with” or “you make you happy.” Maybe smaller in the moment refusals to take the abuse will work for you and you can be happy and stay in your situation. Maybe not. But the bottom line is you can’t change a person who doesn’t want to change, so you can tell them what you will and won’t live with, and you can decide whether that person has a place in your life.

Anyone or no one can shake them or explain how they are wrong, but it will do nothing if they don’t want to change. So what do you want to do about YOUR life? Hold the course or change it?