hi amh,
You might find these two threads, which are in the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum, helpful:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...r-3-years.html (Trying to understand...breaking up after 3 years) https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-your-use.html (Marijuana legal where you live? Did your A use it?)
Some of these red flags were, my ex leaving rehab with being put on another stimulant which is his DOC. Don't ask me why a dr would put an adderall addict on another stimulant, but it happened. My ex was very secretive in the sense he told me what the medication was, but did not want his step mother and father to know what its real purpose was so he framed it to them as it was a depression/ anxiety medication.
Did you ever see the prescription? Who knows, he may have bought them on the street or did he doctor shop?
Is marijuana considered a relapse if its legal in his state?
Whether it is legal or not is irrelevant, he's just using another mind altering substance. Alcohol is legal too. He's switched up addictions.
is there a chance he could be totally sober and the ex dealer could be getting healthy together
Not a stupid question, highly unlikely.
I gave all of myself to him and now he is walking away saying he can't have me in his life, hes cutting all ties, being so mean and not willing to put in any effort to work through things and have a relationship with me
What you gave or didn't give is not really anything to do with him, if you know what I mean? Your choices are your choices. You are obviously a very kind person, but that doesn't mean he's indebted to you. As for "unconditional love" that is something, to me, that is reserved for your children, not your boyfriend or even your Husband.
You could be the best girlfriend in the world, but it sounds like he just wants no responsibility and to party. Addicts don't make good partners in relationships. They can't handle it, emotion, kindness, respecting others feelings etc etc, they are (mostly) taking drugs to escape from all that.
and will magically change himself for a new girl, but i wasn't worthy enough to be that girl after he talked about a future with me?
He's not magically changing himself or anything. He is the same guy and his next relationship will end up the same way, unless he makes huge changes in his life and outlook.
Never think you weren't "worthy", this is about him, not you.
Have you ever heard of the book Codependent no more by Melody Beattie? I think you might find it really helpful. Not saying you are codependent or not, I don't know that! It does contain a lot of information about relationships and boundaries and is often recommended here. I hope you will get a copy.