Sorry for the long post. This is my first time here and I’m looking for a bit of support. I’m 22 years old and my (ex) boyfriend is 27. We have been in a long distance relationship for about nine months now. He lives 5 hours away by train and I have done the majority of the travelling. He has a very close group of friends he spends most of his time with - we only see each other every 2 weeks or so. His friends are all drug users and a few of them gamble.

I learnt quite early on about my ex’s addiction problems and had experience of addiction from a previous relationship. I didn’t really understand the seriousness of my ex’s problems until a few months ago. In the time we’d been together it seemed he wasn’t gambling much and I wasn’t sure how serious his weed addiction was as we only saw each other every two weeks. He had a relapse a few months ago, gambled away all his wages and started smoking weed every night again. The weekend he admitted all this to me he did not want to talk further about it and became despondent and aggressive, virtually ignoring me when I was distressed, desperate for some clarity on how he was feeling and and what he wanted and what I could do. I packed my stuff and left, and told him afterwards that I felt he needed time to look after himself and didn’t need to be dealing with my needs as well as his own. He was very upset and we had a very difficult 7 week separation where he began behaving erratically. One minute he would phone me crying, then he would verbally attack me and call me all sorts of names. He was very paranoid and his behaviour was scary - he wasn’t the person I thought I knew. I didn’t give him space to punish him; I hoped he may decide he really needed to change but suffered very much for it. I was incredibly anxious and upset because of his behaviour, at one point thinking he was suicidal and contacting his friends for help. I eventually gave in to him as he convinced me he’d really changed and was not gambling or smoking anymore. We got very close during this time, talking like we never had before for hours and I was so relieved after everything that had happened between us. We began seeing each other again and things were good for a while, however about a month ago he changed again and became withdrawn like he had during his last relapse. He avoided talking to me and I was left in the dark. I knew he had relapsed again, and when I asked him about it he became defensive and angry and began accusing me of ignoring his messages. He asked for space and didn’t contact me for four days. During this time I was in a severe state of anxiety, not able to eat or sleep due to worry. Whilst I was in this state, he messaged me at one point to say he couldn’t speak because he was out at the cinema with his friends(!!!!!). I knew he was using this time to gamble and smoke to his heart’s content without considering me.

When he finally got in touch, he convinced me to come and see him so I agreed, providing we spent time planning how he would approach recovery. I went for the weekend and I told him how much I loved him and how much I wanted him to get better, but I was very upset about how he had treated me. At first he was defensive and angry when I explained to him how much he had hurt me by not contacting me and leaving me in a distressed state whilst he enjoyed himself with friends. He changed his tune after a while and apologised, but I told him if this happened again I would have to leave for my own mental health as it was affecting me very deeply. In the next few days, he blacklisted himself from gambling online and signed up for counselling. He also told his boss about his addiction problems. I thought we were getting somewhere so went home feeling happy and hopeful.

Things took a turn for the worse this week. He hasn’t been contacting me much, spending every night with his friends and blew off a video call date we had planned for Saturday night. He said he forgot, and instead spent the night with friends partying till 2am. I told him I was hurt, and he said he’d call me the next day after I finished work. He didn’t keep this date either, telling me he couldn’t speak as he was at his friend’s house and would talk to me later. This felt like the last straw for me as I have gotten very used to being the person he talks to when he has nothing better to do and I felt he wasn’t prioritising our relationship. I explained to him again how much he has been hurting me with this behaviour and he had virtually no response, so I decided to end it. He said he “couldn’t be bothered” with the relationship anyway and harshly said he would send me back my stuff immediately. I feel absolutely broken, I haven’t stopped crying and I can’t believe he would be so heartless when he knows how much he has hurt me. I feel like I’ve been a good girlfriend; even when we were separated for 7 weeks I answered his calls any time he needed me, and talked and cried with him on the phone. I loved him so much I stayed around even when he was abusive during early recovery.

I guess I’m just wondering if anyone can understand his behaviour, or has any experience with anything similar. I just need some words of comfort, as I feel so alone and am feeling like maybe I made a mistake in ending it.