Alexbaby

I'm not sure if I am in the right place for this but I have been reading all the forums and I see so many people who have gone through or are going through what I have and I thought maybe I could get some insight into things,. I will try to keep it as short as possible. I met my ex 3 yrs ago. We instantly hit it off and we seemed to have some kind of great chemistry..he was very upfront about his past, said he used to use drugs, had been in jail twice for drugs and had been married for 17 yes. One day he came home and she was gone and he was devastated.. early on there were signs, so many signs but like a lot of people I didn't want to see them.. the first year was rough. He started using again, if he ever stopped at all and it was a rollercoaster of emotions. One day he was crazy about me the next he was telling me I deserved better and I should leave him. Twice he called me because he was going to kill himself.. He finally admitted that he was using drugs would again.. He alternated between crack and heroin and for a while it got really, really bad.. The first time I saw him shoot heroin,was the night of my work Christmas party. He shot up in the car in front of me. I remember feeling so I'll, but by this point we had been together over a year and I was in love with him.. Things started to get better, he went on antidepressants, started counseling, found a job he liked and seemed happy.. As time went on, he seemed to open up. I got constant text messages every day, sometimes 50+ I got good morning texts, goodnight texts we started spending lots of time together. He made me feel beautiful and special and wanted and loved. But then he started to borrow money, first it was 200$ until payday, then it was 300$, then $700. He always paid me back but I was starting to drown in debt. I couldn't pay my bills and I was stressed all the time..we never really fought but anytime I said something he didn't like or disagreed with him or even if he thought I was being nasty he would end things with me. But after 3-4 days, I would get an apology and all would be fine. For the first year or so, I was never his girlfriend, said he was broken because of his wife and that he didn't care if I was with other men..Then about a year ago, he finally introduced me to his family as his girlfriend and said he was in love with me..he was still using but I had somehow gotten used to it. He would use in my house. He would alternate between crack and heroin but mostly crack. He would be at my house 3-4x a week and always did drugs. I never saw him straight ever. He knew how to manipulate the doctors, so he could keep getting his subs. He knew how many days he had to go without drugs, so he would pee clean.. I even started to go with him to meet his dealers. It became a normal thing.. our intimate time was electric and exciting and he would tell me how much he loved me. I always felt important and loved. In August, we started to talk about moving in together, he said he wanted to make sure he was clean before moving in because he didn't want to drag me down with him. Like most addicts, he always had remorse and guilt. We would make plans to do something with his family and he would be sick or would sleep all day or would just forget.. Then all of a sudden in October he very casually says, I am going to disapear in December. I questioned what that meant, he said I'm moving on in December and I won't be seeing you anymore..of course I cried for a few days because we ended things. And then the crazy rollercoaster started. One minute he would call like everything was normal then I wouldn't hear from him for days. Then it was I want to see you one last time before I go. This went on for over two months. My head was in a tailspin, I didn't know which end was up. Every time I saw him, he would just apologize and say he was sorry he didn't want to hurt me, he would cry and say if I had a choice wouldn't leave you but my past has caught with me and I have to move on..it was the most emotionally draining time..Then he did something he had never done, offered me drugs and because of the state I was in I said yes. I liked it, it made me forget the pain, and when we were high it was as if everything was going to be ok.. Every few days, I would get the I miss you text, can I see you one last time before I go. Then on New year's Eve after spending the whole night together, getting high and drunk, he says, we can't see each other anymore, I am moving on and it is best if we don't talk or see each other.. I thought it was another one more time conversation.It wasn't, three weeks and not a word except a text that said I am leaving tomorrow..Then one day, I am in the gas station and there he is pumping gas, but he didn't see me. So the next day I sent him a text that said you didn't have to lie, if you wanted it to be over you could of just said so. I then blocked his number. When I got home, he was waiting for me. Wanted to know what the text was all about, I said, I thought you were leaving. He said I did but I am back and I will be leaving again in a few weeks.. I said I'm sorry you felt you had to lie, he got all upset and said I didn't lie, I'm sorry I hurt you, I don't regret a minute if being with you blah blah. I said ok well I hope we can be friends,, his response, I can't be your friend, I have moved on to someone else.. well it was as if I had gotten punched in the stomach. I smiled, said ok, I wish you luck and walked away.. I spent two weeks crying every day, I feel like a fool. I believed he loved me, I thought everything was good, we were happy. I didn't/don't understand stand why he was so cruel. He knew he was leaving me for someone else but yet kept coming around..to make it worse, he blocked me on his phone. Saturday, he dropped a note in my door, that said, I have booked you on everything, do not try to contact me ever again.. sorry so much longer than I meant it to be.. But, I have to say I am a little broken right now. I was nothing but good to him, was always there for him no matter how bad thing's got, I stuck by him and he repays my kindness with leaving me for someone else, rubbing it in my face and then telling me to stay away from him.. I don't get how you can spend 3 yrs with someone and do that. Now I am just trying to pick up the pieces. Trying to figure out why he was so mean to me. I cry almost every day, not as bad as before but I still cry. I cry because I feel stupid, how could I have fallen for it. When I asked him why he said he was in love with me, if he wasn't, he said because it made you happy!! I am starting counseling next week to try and understand all this..I know drug addicts can manipulate but 3 yrs?? And then you walk away without a second glance.. it is going to take me a really long time to try and understand all this..if I ever can.