Originally Posted by
Gal220 
You said in a previous post:
"To do either of these things [referring to AVRT and AA]
You need baseline mental health
Or nerves of steel"
This is something that I have currently been battling myself. But this is just not true. This would be like saying, "I'm overweight, diabetic, and have heart disease, so I'm too physically ill to exercise and eat better. Let me have some fast food and watch some Netflix and wait until I feel better to get started."
We work towards our sobriety and mental health because we are ill and because it is the only way to become sober and mentally well. There is no other way to get there; there is no baseline of mental health. We have to do the hard work even when we don't want to, even when we don't feel like it, even when we are tired, even when we are uncomfortable. There's just no other way to do it. In fact, that is how we retrain our brains to rely on other coping skills instead of our compulsions.
It's one of the seeming contradictions of AA: it's for people who want to quit drinking, but can't, but then the first thing that's told of them is to stop drinking. Come to meetings, listen, and despite the mental and possibly physical anguish you are going through, don't pick up a drink, no matter what. We aren't told to wait until we are mentally well enough to stop, because we can't be mentally well until we stop. And that's just step one.
I think this statement here is very wise. I'd read it over a few times (sincerely) if I were you.
Obladi, this relapse is just horrible. I'm so sorry you are going through this again. It must feel like groundhog's day in hell. I can imagine the frustration fear, anxiety, etc. you must have running through you right now. So, please know we are all understanding of what a hellish time you are enduring and proud of you for reporting back here for help.
I know there is nothing I can tell you that you don't already know. I'll tell you my advice, though, just because as a caring human I want to help and I do know sometimes hearing the same advice from a variety of sources phrased minutely differently would make something finally click in my brain. So, hopefully something clicks here.
My advice is I think you really need to stop thinking so much. Thinking, analyzing, justifying, discovering, mulling over, etc. Your brain is broken. Period. You can't trust your brain. And you can't trust it at only 2,3,4,5 or however many months you were currently sober until this recent relapse. You need minimum a year. Your brain and it's decision making capabilities are nearly ruined because of your drinking. So if you want to stop drinking, to me stop thinking. Say to yourself if you want to drink in a year, you're allowed. I give you permission (not that you need my permission) to drink on January 24, 2021 as much as you'd like for as long as you'd like, if you just promise not to drink until then.
I bet you won't feel so like drinking on January 24, 2021 because you will have finally allowed your brain to begin to really heal, which is what you have refused to do. You just keep picking at the scab. If you'd let it heal, you'd be in such an easier position. Scabs are vulnerable, scars are tough.
I don't think this is a mental illness issue. I have severe mental illness issues. A ton of us on SR do. But a ton of us are also sober now. Mental issues definitely caused my addiction (I was certainly self-medicating, so thank god for modern medicine). You, like me, also appear to be under the care of a doctor and on the necessary medication. You aren't an ignorant teenager not yet diagnosed or a homeless person unable to access medical care. You have help and maturity and an understanding of your condition. So, to me, your mental illness isn't the issue here as it is being addressed by you and your doctor. You'll never be "cured"of mental illness issues because we now know that no one is ever done/cured/finito in regard to mental illness. That would be like saying anyone ever gets 100% perfect physically. I don't know of a soul on earth who could claim that.
So, I'd shelve trying to figure out a reason for your drinking. To me, it's because your brain is broken, and you won't know what a healed brain feels like until you
finally decide to give your brain a chance to heal (And the decision IS all yours. You can make it right now, actually).
You also, I know, have been careful in the past not to repeat old patterns. For me, my worst, daily pattern was walking right in the door from work and opening my bottle of wine before even sitting down (screw top, of course, so I could open it fast). It literally hurt and took ALL MY WILL POWER to retrain my brain to not associate home with drinking, reading with drinking, tv with drinking, celebrating with drinking, sadness with drinking, etc. It's like I was becoming a new person.
Your big pattern at the moment, it appears, is this relapse thing every few months. So when you have that relapse feeling, you have to FIGHT through it. FIGHT. FOR. YOUR. LIFE. What would show me that you are doing that is if you post BEFORE you drink for permission/help. Then you'd be giving your friends here a chance to actually help, which you've deprived them of. You deserved that, and so did they. Why not go to them if you're feeling so desperate? You can STILL drink even if you go to them, but at least it would prove you've done everything to stop yourself from unscrewing the cap. Of course, it's not about proving anything to me/us, it's about proving it to yourself. And each time you do that successfully, you will gain confidence and a retraining of your brain.
And each time you get close and succeed in not drinking, it will get easier the next time you are in such a dangerous position. Just like each time I walked in the door after work it got easier.
You CAN do this. Just stop thinking about it and do it. At nearly 9 months, I might sound kooky saying your brain needs a good year plus to recover. But I do believe that. I don't trust my own brain! That's why I don't listen to it when it tells me some wine would be good. Because I've decided not to trust it, it's broken. I wish you'd realize that trying to use a broken brain is like trying to walk on a broken leg, both are useless and dangerous acts. That's why just last week I reached out for help
before drinking because I knew I couldn't trust myself (at least not yet) but I could trust this community. Use this community during the times that really matter.
I would say best of luck to you, but it's not about luck. Give yourself permission to finally heal.