I love the title of the thread - Struggling with this "resentment", or maybe just super self-righteous.
In my experience, it's usually both (not saying that's necessarily or absolutely true for you)
Column 1:
A few of my family members
Column 2:
1. whole life and perspective is based on Church/Bible
2. persistently try to convert me
3. don't employ the AA principle of "attraction rather than promotion" in the manner I like
4. Require me to / try to make me talk about things I don't want to talk about
5. they pray for me and ask that I be blessed when I don't want them to
6. they don't think as highly of AA or the 12 step meetings as I do
7. are occasionally hypocritical.
8. pray yet don't lead perfect lives.
.....there are more but I'll stop there for now.
Man, my head is whirring with what I'd be putting in the 3rd column (which I do an extended version of - one with extra detail). Same for the 4th column. There's some absolute gold in there, I'm sure. While some weren't identical for me, most of those things have appeared on more than a couple of my inventories over the years.
Even though I didn't believe it at first, my experience with not doing this, and then trying it several times to gain some meaningful perspective have me convinced, that "when dealing with resentments we set them on paper......."
Gain some knowledge about some of the things you may be missing in your story and/or your thinking by getting a 4th step inventory done. Then, I'd strongly recommend 5th stepping it with someone who's got some experience both writing inventory and listening to 5th steps. I.e., someone who knows that we're looking not for or at the persons defects of character but the exact nature of those defects. I'd suggest that while that's a great start, it's pretty vital to admit it to yourself and whatever god you chose back in step 3. (I chose "the 12 step process" as my first God...... I didn't have any faith or real trust in any sort of religious-God at the time).
From there, you can do 6 and 7 pretty quickly... be entirely ready to have those defects of character removed or start praying for the willingness. Once there's some willingness (which will almost always be there after a solid 4th and 5th step), you an knock out 7 next. Spend maybe 5 minutes jotting down the ppl and the harm done to them in an 8th step and commence to make those amends.
Even though there's that 12th step which talks about practicing these principles in all our affairs..... it's super easy in this case since you already are aware there's a resentment and there are 6 steps in a row designed to deal with this exact thing.
From the gist of the post, I can guess that maybe there's been some inventory already done but I didn't see anything about amends you made to those family members for any harm you caused. I wonder if the inventory was lacking in some areas? (mine almost always are, to a degree).
While I get the advice about "not letting them into your head," I'd wager you already knew that. Don't we usually think, when something is bothering us, "gee, I shouldn't let this bother me?" And doesn't it almost always continue to bother us? My experience with that line has been, "that's great advice...... but how do I do what l've known all along TO do but can't manage to ACTUALLY DO?" hence, the steps 4-9 recommendation. I've yet to hit a resentment that didn't get resolved when I'd been thorough with those steps. That said, especially with some of the more testy resentments, I've had to run through them a couple times to uncover everything I need to take a look at.
One last thing, for now, I'd suggest you consider. You brought up NA and honestly I'm not intimately familiar with their basic text. Three things that appear in the AA book suggest 1. that selfishness - self-centeredness, that we think is the root of our troubles. 2. that ALL my troubles are of my own making and 3. that resentment is the #1 offender and that it (resentment) destroys more of us than ANYthing else (even drugs and alcohol).
Looking at those 3 things, while many ppl would simply look at them and think they're overly critical and therefore, not worthy of consideration...... I've found them to be, as a friend put it, "some of the greatest statements of hope in the Big Book." If the problem is them, I need to get/make them change how they live and act so that I can be comfortable. Odds are, you've tried this and found it about as productive as they've found trying to change you to suit their opinions. If, on the other hand, all my troubles.......... and resentments are precisely that - a trouble...... are of MY making, then I'm the only one who needs to change / be changed for me to feel OK. And if I don't feel like changing and want to continue to try and limp along with a resentment....I'm warned that doing so is more dangerous to me than drinking or drugging again.
And as far as experience with this: Yes i wish I had an easier life, inward and outward; and maybe Jesus could help. Yes I'm sensitive and impressionable without really sticking up for myself because I'm guilty and ashamed of still abusing tobacco. But i'm in a depressed funk and no longer feel good about my own spirituality. I'm starting to isolate and feel hopeless again (I'm eating/smoking like crazy again). um..... TONS of experience with that stuff. Massive doses of it from about year one to 3. Then again a couple years later..... and then some shorter rounds a half-dozen times since.
If you're interested, I'd be MORE than happy to tell you what I thought but most importantly, what I did. Some of it worked for me and some of it didn't. The most unsuccessful things were "just don't do that anymore," "don't let them bother you," and "just forgive them and move on......it'll pass." I heard that advice a whole lot and I guess it works (I don't actually see that it works very often but maybe I haven't been looking hard enough) but for me, it was the worst advice I ever got. The presumption was that I would suddenly be able to do something I'd proven 1000x over that I wasn't able to do. And this reminds me of another line in the book, "we couldn't wish them away (resentments) anymore than alcohol." Wishing/hoping my resentments would just disappear has only worked in the sense that it delayed dealing with them, allowed them to get bigger and stronger, and then made facing them down the road even more challenging.