As you know you have a side in you that wants to drink. Very badly. This is likely the side that tries to screw things up for us--mess us up so that we have a good, solid excuse to drink again. The negative side?
And, you have that posative side--the one that likely goes to meetings and wants to focus on you and what and how you can stay sober.
And whilst you live with someone else, whether they are drinking or not, it can be very difficulat to determine what each side of you is suggesting into the operation.
When we go to alanon, it is not to learn how to control, stop, help another person stop drinking...it is to help us learn how to focus on us and to find serenity whether someone else is drinking or not. It is to allow us to relinquish control over another persons life and choices in favour of controlling our own behavior and choices.
An alcoholic is very good at blaming another person for their unhappiness.
Remember the adage think, think, think?
What happens if you tell your wife to quit drinking or you will leave?
Liklihood she will tell you to stuff it and then you will have the choice to follow through or not. Divorce happens.
Can you really see yourself going through a marital break up at 60 days sober? Sure, you could blame your wife and 'her drinking' but she is likely to go to a lawyer and say "hey, I put up with HIS drinking for 20 + years and now he's found God and is giving me this holier than thou attitude" -- more likely than saying "ok, thank you honey, I will quit drinking now". So, she feels abandoned, you feel abandonned (can't she see I'm only trying to help) and then where do you go? She finds someone else, or you do...and then your dealing with even more feelings etc etc
It was said to me when I first went into the program was "no big decisions untill I had at least a year" which meant that any relationship issues barring abuse had to wait untill after that first year.
You say its the meanness that you have a tough time with. So, keep doing as you are...leave when she gets abusive. Eventually she will learn.
Ask someone in your group to give you information on the topic of acceptance. And keep thinking on that. There is a place (can't remember the page # offhand) where it starts out ... "and the answer to my problem was acceptance..." every time he focused on his wifes problems and defects they grew bigger and bigger yet every time he focused on her attributes and good things, they grew bigger and bigger.
Acceptance means that you accept the fact that she is alcoholic--remembering that the only person who can truly determine if they are alcoholic is the drinker themself. You accept that she is incharge of her own recovery--remember that the disease does NOT affect all people in exactly the same way or along the same time line. Meaning that for some the process is gradual whilst for others its instant. For some they black out--for others they don't. For some, they can drink a lot before acting like a jerk and for others they can be wonderful in a drink and act like a jerk withOUT a drink--the disease affects each individual in a slightly different way--all you need to focus on is how it affects YOU.
Acceptance means that you accept that YOU are an alcoholic. You accept that YOU can NOT control her drinking...you did NOT cause it and you can NOT change it, control it or stop it. Your recovery is up to you. Hers is up to her. And often times, the more we do to try and control another person, the more they will do the opposite of what we want.
Basically, I would suggest that you keep going to meetings--as many as you can and focus on YOUR problems, your feelings, your issues. Not her. She is NOT the reason you drink just as you are not the reason that she drinks. So, take the focus off of her and put it back on you. If and when the time comes for you to leave the relationship, you will KNOW it at that time. Stay in today. If you are unsure about things like this, then that is NOT the time to leave or do anything other than work on you.
Remember...one day at a time. Worrying about how long you put up with her....whatever....is sort of like worrying about next month or week or year and all you have to do is to stay in today.
Remember...think, think, think. If your anything like me, there can be reasons behind reasons and duplicity in almost every thing. Do you REALLY want the marriage to work or do you secretly want to can it, screw it up so you can get together with someone else or have another excuse to be unhappy? I'm VERY good at messing up something thats pretty good rather than just accepting things as they are.
Remember keep it simple...don't drink, ask God for help, go to meetings...do the steps.
Remember... do the steps. Now isn't the time to be judging anyone but yourself.
Remember...if you really want reminders on how bad it is out there---just go out with your wife a few times...or wait untill she gets a dui or messes up at work. In other words--you know that something could happen to her, likely will...when it does (might sound cold) but be glad it didn't happen to you and thank her for your reminder.
Remember...alcoholism is a disease--means she can't help it. YOU got divine intervention--many don't get that. Many can't hear for some reason...don't believe it, whatever...many stay drinking...you got your help when the time was right for you. Why force the time being right for her before its time...isn't that God's job to decide when her time is? Any act you do to try and force her is likely to backfire--just like if she had nagged you to quit drinking likely would have backfired on her.
Remember, you can get yourself so worked up about her problems and your problems with her problems that you can completely forget about why YOU went to A.A.--to get sober yourself.
Remember...if you leave her and end up dating someone else? Even someone in the program...there is no guarantee that this person won't start up again and you will be right back where you started from only with a bit more guilt.
Remember....words mean little, behavior means more. So, rather than telling her about how wonderful life will/could be when your sober--SHOW her. Meditate yourself, be happy and joyful...show her its worth it.
Seriously, I would give yourself time--a good year--before making any big decisions. And telling your wife divorce or get sober is asking for trouble. If she gives you a divorce it will be tougher than anything and if she gets sober because you told her too--it will be tough because she will likely resent the heck out of you even as she stops drinking. Let her come to her own decision when the time is right for her.
God bless