Blindsided by breakup
Hi everyone,
I'm new here and am seeking some wisdom. I had been dating a man with 8+ years recovery for almost two years when he broke up with me a few weeks ago with no prior warning, discussion, or change of tone.
(Apologies that this is so long, bless you if you read the whole thing.)
We lived in another city when we began dating, he had a strong network of sober friends there. I know he wasn't actively in AA meetings but he referenced the program often and seemed to be open to working through behavior and seemed extremely devoted to making our relationship work. He is an artist by trade but wasn't actively creating work while we were together. He said he was taking an intentional break. He had a day job and started applying to grad schools.
About 8 months into dating, we decided to move in together, as I had just graduated from a school program, and he had been accepted to one in another state. We began to talk about moving together but wanted to make sure that we were compatible roommates. We were, and we had a great, loving, communicative relationship, as far as I could tell.
We moved to another city together, I started working right away, and he began his graduate program. He became obsessive, staying on campus from 8am until after midnight each night. A couple months in, he began to make excuses about not being able to spend time with me when I tried to invite him out to the activities I was getting involved in. He made me believe that there was no choice but for him to do this, because of how "intense" the program was.
Along the way, he spent more time with his cohort, all of which are the partying type and drink and use drugs often. He simultaneously seemed to reach a rut in his art practice, despite how much time he was spending in the studio.
Instead of revealing how he was actually feeling about all of this, he continued to just act like everything was perfectly fine. He checked in with me regularly, acted affectionate, and continued to say things that made it seem like we were in this situation together even though he was essentially neglecting me in action.
About a month ago I started feeling stressed out and broke down crying in front of him. I didn't mention it being due to us. Of course, looking back, I don't know why I couldn't acknowledge that his behavior was making me feel like ****. He acted concerned but didn't say much. The next week his family came into town for Thanksgiving for several days.
The week after that, I took a trip out of state with a girlfriend. He had been MIA all week supposedly because of his finals. But he dropped me off at the airport, texted me the whole time, showed no changes, and picked me up from the airport.
The following day, I came home from work and he looked like he had seen a ghost. He told me to sit down, that he wasn't able to eat or sleep and that this was physiologically affecting him: he thought we need to break up. I was in utter shock when I realized whenever I had pried or asked him if anything was wrong the weeks prior he had so readily lied without hesitation to make me believe nothing was wrong. He had been planning this for weeks. I had a nonrefundable flight to spend Christmas with his family, had already bought all of them Christmas presents with his approval, etc.
He had written an extremely petty list of nonsensical reasons, trying to turn it around on me. But he had never mentioned any of these "issues" before, and they were in opposition with things he had expressed just a month or two earlier. In the end he said things like "I think if I loved you more this would have been easier to make work," and "I just don't see a future with you and you would think at this point in a relationship I would be starting to think about it," and "I can just see us continuing to go on auto pilot forever, but I don't think we're meant to be. We have to break up."
I was extremely stunned but let him leave to sleep wherever he had already planned to that night. Everything in the apartment is mine, so he picked up his few things while I was at work and we haven't spoken since. It's been a few weeks now.
With time I'm reflecting more on the warning signs. He had gone to a few AA meetings when we first got into town then stopped. He hadn't been going to any meetings for a few years. He hadn't gone through any counseling or therapy outside of AA during his 8 years sober. I was his first relationship outside of casual Internet dating.
I'm being strict about NC right now and know that this was not meant to be, but I'm still hurt by the ease with which I was lied to and abandoned. It's like he manipulated the situation to make sure I had no say in it, and never admitted any of his actual feelings, if he could even make sense of them himself.
I could use some advice on how to find closure while letting this go. I have found local Al Anon meetings that I'd like to start going to. In the meantime, how can I move on from this without worry about him and feeling so stupid?