Cosima, this is a no-win for potential responders here now, as you have pre-defended against everything. when no-one has attacked or judged or condemned.
Dee makes such a good point.
and you speak of guilt for something you haven’t even done yet, so: why put yourself in a situation where you are likely to do something that will leave you condemning, judging yourself and have you already pretty much decided to use drugs.?
is it because you want to?