To address some of your points (and I suppose my own questions) :
Originally Posted by
trailmix 
Why did you meet him in the first place? Short of some universal intervention, you were probably drawn to him because he was drawn to you. Now, this is a generalization but addicts, in general, tend to find someone with huge empathy and sympathy capacity. This is just my observation. Who else would put up with all this??
Seriously, most people who were dating someone, when they said oh btw i'm a meth addict with a big history of drug addiction - would run for the hills. Plus you don't know what you don't know until you know it right? Perhaps the question is, why did you stay?
As I mentioned earlier, I had kept it as a friendship first for quite some time. Even when we met in Amsterdam for the first time, we waited quite a bit of time before intimacy even started. I stayed because I genuinely enjoyed his presence in my life. I enjoyed the perspective he gave to me and the perspective I could give to him. It was nice to have someone engaged as well as someone that enjoyed the things that I liked. I didn't believe in completely writing someone off because of things they had done. My mother always said to give everyone a chance.
Originally Posted by
trailmix Why did you let him in? It seems you wanted to help? You now realize, of course, you can't.
I don't think it was that. I think I let him in because there was an understanding of each other and I felt like I could trust him. I've had trust issues in the past so to let him in as close as I did was a big deal.
Originally Posted by
trailmix Why is it so difficult to let go? I believe relationships with addicts are different, it is harder. If you are in a relationship with a healthy, emotionally mature and stable person, you break up and off they go and off you go and everyone will be fine (again broad generalization). You are not worrying if he is going to OD.
With an addict, will he be fine? Is he in a ditch snorting meth? Will he seek recovery? When he cried and shared his demons with you, who will he talk to. It's just different.
Then again, he got along before you showed up and he will get along now you are out of the picture.
To be honest, I am not worrying if he will OD or not. I don't think about who will he talk to as I know he is surrounded by many friends. I know he will be fine with or without me. I am not his parent. I've told him and myself this several times. I just think it's because there's a special connection. You'll probably rip me apart for that, but it is what I felt.
Originally Posted by
trailmix I would strongly suggest you think long and hard about relocating to Amsterdam. Really examine your reasons, be brutally honest with yourself.
As I mentioned, I've thought about it all very deeply everyday and I have realized that staying in my current city is just eating away at me. In Amsterdam, I found a new lease on life and have even spent time there after meeting him by myself, meeting new people, and exploring the city by myself. As I am honest and have said before, yes he was a part of the reason I wanted to move there, but that was only after the fact of me having made up my mind before meeting him and when I saw all of the opportunities presented to me, it just made it even better. My mind is in a good place on that subject.
Originally Posted by
trailmix One thing you mentioned earlier on, about googling how to help him. I would suggest googling how to help you! Reasons why relationships with an addict are such a disaster, how to heal. Also learn all you can about addiction (for you, not him).
And just so you know, you can read other members previous posts and threads if you are interested, by clicking on their name and choosing view all - threads or posts.
Quite naturally I would google to find out information on how to help him, but never in this have I neglected myself. I've sought counseling, I've read books and articles, and have upped my fitness routine. I've been journaling everyday since my birthday in August about my thoughts, feelings, hopes, and dreams. I have done and am doing the work on myself.
Thanks for the tips !