Hello everyone,
I'm new here and desperately needing to share my story as I feel so alone in all of this. It's long, but I'm hurting deeply right now. The short version is that my boyfriend has broken up with me for the third time after rehab. Our relationship had started before he went into recovery. Is that normal ? Is there any hope ? The full story is below. Again, I am so sorry it's long
Last year I went through so many tough life changes (a breakup and moved out of our share living space as well as quit my job due to mental stress) and I decided I should be single for a while until I could make sense of life. I am from the USA and I was looking for a new job. In May of 2018, a potential job in the Netherlands came up which seemed perfect for me so applied. In the meantime, I got online just to see what people I could network and make friends with out of curiosity. I met a wonderful guy there and we instantly hit it off. He called immediately and our friendship just struck up so fast.
Unfortunately I did not get the job, but I had made a new friend that I talked with everyday and it was so great. As the months went by, some feelings started to develop on both sides it seems, but we kept it as friends only. In September of 2018, He told me that he started to date someone and wasn't sure why he was telling me that, but that our connection was strong. I wished him well and gave him space for two weeks as I was more hurt than I thought, but I started missing him and our nice talks and decided to contact him. That's when we decided that it was deeper than a friendship. He told me that he had broken up with that person the day after telling me that and that he missed me.
I finally decided to visit him in Amsterdam at the end of November 2018 for 9 days originally. We hit it off so well that he wanted me to extend my trip. I ended up staying there for 45 days. I even spent Christmas with his family ! The problem was that I had no idea he was addicted to crystal meth. I found it out in late December. One night, after having a fantastic night with his friends, he said he was hungry and that he needed to go to the grocery store which was only about a 3 minute walk and shouldn't have taken more than 20 minute at the most. It took him about an hour to call and asked me if his wallet was there at home as he'd been walking up and down the street looking for it. I instantly became suspicious and he knew it. I told him it was there and when he came back for it, I told him I was going for a walk. Shortly after, I get a text from him saying that he messed up. I thought that meant he had slept with someone else so I was super upset. I return to his place from my walk and instantly just go to the bed. Then I decided I should hear him out. I asked him what did he mean when he said he had messed up. He told me he had "took a puff of that stuff." He knew that I did not like drugs and never did one in my life, but hey, it's Amsterdam. I didn't think it was that bad and no sense in beating himself up over it. I calm him down and we get to bed.
The next day I ask him why did he react like that and what was the "stuff" that he took a puff of ? That's when he told me it was meth. I was stunned as I would have NEVER guessed that. I knew meth was bad, but had no idea really about it. That's when things took a turn for the horrible. Next thing I know, his family and friends are staging an intervention for him and apparently this is something that had been going on for at least 4 years ! He was having panic attacks and there I was in the middle of all of this scared because by that time, we had fallen in love and I was concerned for him, but also so confused as I never dealt with anything like this in my life. It was strange because we had just made it official.
I finally get back to the USA in the middle of January after such a tough final week there. I had been staying at his place the entire time and left to stay in a hotel. He was very apologetic about everything that happened and by the beginning of March, he went to rehab for a month. He called me every chance he could and it sounded like he was making great progress. He gets out of rehab at the beginning of April and I started reading up on the effects of meth and it made me have so many questions. Since we were long distance, I was worried about being cheated on, to which he adamantly denied at first, but later came clean about. It had happened several times with many different partners.
By the end of April, though, is when he first decided to breakup with me. It sucked as his birthday was at the end of May and I had already purchased my ticket to go visit him for it. I went anyway and I took him out to dinner. I was in Europe for 2 weeks. The first few days were tough as he was so happy to see me and was affectionate, but did not want to get back together. I went to Italy in the middle of my trip and he said I could leave my large luggage at his place. We got in his hot tub and then later cuddled before I had to get to the airport. He still did not want to get back together, but when I came back, things had changed. I ended up going to the dentist with him which was an hour away (his friend is a dentist) because he was supposed to get his wisdom teeth pulled. When he gets there it turned out he didn't need to get them pulled, but it gave us a chance to really talk things out and that's when he decided he wanted to get back together.
June passes and everything is going fine (despite me having some moments of suspicion) and we're now at the end of July of 2019. We were making plans for my birthday in August and a vacation in October. He said he wanted to plan my birthday dinner and everything was lovely. He said he was going to the beach the next morning and would call. We ended that conversation with "I love you." The next morning I get a text from him saying we need to talk and then he calls me on video crying saying he cannot do this anymore. Things, once again, just switched so quickly ! I was stunned how the night before he was so excited about my birthday dinner and the vacation and the next, he's leaving. He said he needed to focus on himself, which I understood the best I could, and that he didn't want to be triggered. Well I found photos of him at a music festival that is known for having a lot of drugs and sex, the two things he told me he was diagnosed with having an addiction to. I was so hurt. We didn't talk at all until I get a message from him on my birthday at the end of August. Then he called me crying saying he was so sorry for everything and that he had wished we were together for my birthday. I said thank you and wished him well. He later came clean and said he had one relapse at the end of June and that it involved infidelity. I was hurt, but thanked him for his honesty.
We had messaged here and there after that, but by September, we were starting to video call and then about a month later, he decided he wanted to be my boyfriend and that he'd visit me in the USA. He arrived just this past week on 29 November and things were going great. He called me his soulmate and said that everything inside of him screamed I was the one he should marry. He said he wanted to spend Christmas with our families and go on a trip for New Year's Eve. That was Sunday night. Then on Monday, he has another panic attack and says he cannot do this right now, but after talking a little about it, he said he did not want a breakup. However, just today he said again he cannot do this right now and really needed to focus on himself and said it was over, even though he still believes we are soulmates and that I am the one he should marry. He said he loves me until death and that he did not want me waiting for him as he did not know how long his healing would take.
I am devastated. It's the worst whiplash ever ! I do not understand how things can change so rapidly. Is this normal ? I believed he loved me and I was a very supportive partner, giving him space when he needed it, but being there when he needed me. I never enabled him either. Yes, I was frequently suspicious and didn't fully trust him yet as he had lied to me so much, but I had forgiven him and was trying my best to heal myself. I was even planning a move to Amsterdam into my own place. Has anyone experienced this where an addict has broken up with them so many times ?
Thanks for reading !