FIRST OF ALL: This is NOT intended to be a dig at any specific person or people. My intent is to share some unvarnished thoughts about what F&F looks like to me, at least sometimes.
Originally Posted by
Needabreak 
I think, for me, what also happened is that, as I grew past my own codependency, I have become more reluctant to "help" people by agreeing with them, by sugar-coating my words and validating their perspectives.
Especially since, when I was deep in the codependency that arose from my own relationship with an addict, it was the people who were very honest and direct with me and who confronted my faulty perspectives who helped me the most, even though I sure didn't like hearing what they had to say at the time!
Things are what they are, no matter how much we want them to be other than they are.
Recovery programs talk about addictive patterns of thinking. AA even has a name for this, "stinking thinking." And people on the "addict side" will often call each other out when addictive thinking arises.
We loved ones of addicts also develop dysfunctional ways of thinking. These thought patterns are central to our own unhappiness. They hurt us and keep us stuck. And they do nothing to help our loved ones.
While I understand that this forum is meant to be a place of support, I think people tend to sugar coat their words a bit to be supportive, which unfortunately can lead to an echo chamber of codependency. This can serve to reinforce the negative patterns and "stinking thinking" that people come here with, rather than to help people break free of patterns that are holding them back.
It is hard to find that balance of honesty and kindness. I'm not patient enough to do it, so I generally hold off on posting.
Needabreak, thank you for this! While I find something true and useful in each of the posts here, this particular bit sums it up very clearly, IMHO.
Like you, the people who did me the most good were the ones who made me take a good hard look at myself, the ones who gave a kick in the a$$ instead of saying "oh, you poor thing." Also like you, I see that AA members DO call each other out on BS. In fact, the Big Book talks about living sober, using the AA steps and principles, as a “manner of living which demands
rigorous honesty.” They also talk about how those who seek an "easier, softer way" don't usually succeed. From my experience on this side of the fence, I'd say that all those things apply to us over here just as much.
I do understand how folks say they can't "just leave." I was one of those folks. It's terrifying to imagine a life completely different from what we've known, life w/o all the little things that make us feel safe and comfortable...wait, isn't there someone ELSE in our lives who we are ALSO asking to start a life completely different from what they've known, minus the thing that makes them feel safe and comfortable?
I'm not saying it's good for anyone to charge off into the wild w/no plan and no safety net. But sometimes when I hear "baby steps", I want to type a reply saying "
Baby steps? Would that be good enough from your A? We're always saying that only total abstinence and a recovery plan will work for an A, and that in order to succeed, recovery has to be grabbed with both hands and worked
hard. Yet here
we are, on this side of the fence, telling each other 'baby steps' and 'you'll be ready when you're ready' and other variations on that theme."
Trailmix, two of my pet peeves are:
1) The person who comes here but only wants people "to support her", which means to hold her hand and commiserate about how awful it is. We've had a few over the years who were very blatant about it. It was disturbing to me to see other members rushing to be ever more “understanding” and “compassionate” when from where I sat, it looked like nothing more than a frenzy of neediness on both sides--or maybe an "echo chamber of codependency"(great phrase, Needabreak!). That’s when I’d remember my friend the ignore button and remove myself from any contact.
2) The person who comes here and only ever posts in their own thread, not seeming to even read any other threads, either. I used to advocate reading/posting on other threads to newbies, saying something like "you might not think you have anything to offer, but at least go to another thread and say "gosh, that sounds rough, I hope you find your way through." Posting on other threads was something I did right from the start b/c it seemed obvious to me that this was the way to learn, as well as out of a sense of "earning my keep." I understood that I had to
take part in my recovery rather than be a passive observer; I had to be actively involved; and I had to try to help others in order to try to help myself.
And I guess the 2 situations I just described are examples of what happens when I have expectations about other people, right? I’m bound to be disappointed. Like they say in Alanon, “when I point my finger at someone else, there are 3 OTHER fingers pointing right back at me!”
I’ve seen a number of members for whom I have great respect leave the board, and I didn’t understand it at the time. As I’ve been here longer, I DO understand it. There’s a quote from Albert Schweitzer that goes “Therapy is the boat across the river, but most don’t want to get off.” Those members realized they were across the river, and so they left the boat at the riverside, having served its purpose.
I don’t usually post much in F&F any more, the reasons being a combination of the boat thing mentioned above as well what Needabreak is talking about when mentioning the balance of honesty and kindness. SR was a lifeline for me starting at the time of my joining in March of 2013 and continuing for the next several years. I honestly don’t know what I would have done w/o this community—there was so much learning and growth that came out of this board. But as I did start to feel the boat touch the shore, I started to spend less time and post much less. I had other work that needed to be done, a new chapter of learning to get started on.
That’s still where I am. I come back to read at least a little on a daily basis; SR is still a good reality check and touchstone for me. I post a daily reader thread over in the Spirituality section and subscribe to a couple others over there. It’s where I need to be and what I need to do right now, and since one of the things I’ve learned here is to take care of myself, I don’t feel bad about that.
I’m looking forward to see what others have to say. This is a GREAT topic, and thanks for starting the thread, trailmix.