Hi Meatball,
I’m glad you are here today. Something brought you here to check in, I think that something inside of you wants to get sober, I hope you will.
I know how hard it is to lose a parent, I lost my mom December 26th 2018, I was in the phone with her that morning while she was at an appointment, she wanted me to speak to the doctor because she felt they weren’t listening to her. After I spoke to them telling them she needed a chest X-ray because she thought the pneumonia had come back and nobody was listening to her, they said they’d call me back in a few minutes. When they called back she was on the way to the Ear because the doctor said she looked really bad, I called her cell and was on the phone with her when the phone dropped and she said “I feel like I’m going to pass out.” She died a few hours later. I live 3000 miles away and had lots of “what ifs” what if she had come to live with me, what if she would have gone to the doctor before Christmas (she didn’t want to), there were lots of what ifs.
You can’t blame yourself for your mom’s death, even if you were there when she had the stroke it may have been the same result.
The one thing I know for certain is that my mom loved me. She wanted me to be healthy and happy, and that absolutely means sober. I know your mom would want the same for you.
I hope you will reach out to the counselors you went to see, and think about checking in here to help you get sober. You are worth it.