Welcome and I’m sorry for what brought you here but glad you found us!
What’s keeping him from going to a meeting today, or tomorrow? There is no joining AA, you just go. He is likely just saying that to keep you happy and off his back since “he has a plan”. Actions speak louder than words. If he was truly serious about wanting to quit he would be at AA like yesterday. My ex used to quit for a while too and then start drinking in moderation until it no longer was moderation. Rinse and repeat.... the longest he quit was one year but without treatment so really just a dry drunk. Still had all the behaviors of an alcoholic but no longer had his coping skill. It want much better than him being drunk. Don’t wait for him to do anything. Decide what your boundaries are and what you are willing to put up with and then stick to the pose boundaries. Get yourself into counseling and possibly alanon. Take care of you and let him do his thing. If you do t feel safe though you might think about leaving and staying with friends or family. Alcoholism is progressive, each time they start drinking again after “sobriety” it is like they never stopped. It will get worse. Lots of alcoholics go to AA just to appease family or to learn how to drink on moderation (spoiler alert, they can’t). Going to AA alone is likely not going to be enough for most people. And cross addiction is a real thing, they stop one thing and switch to something else (drugs, sex, gambling, shopping, eating...). Recovery is really hard if they do it right and takes a lot of work and time and is a selfish process.
How long should you wait for him to go to a meeting? Only you can figure that out. But going to a meeting is far from being on the road to recovery. He needs a good year of true recovery, working a program etc before you will know if he is on the path to longer term recovery. And even then there are no guarantees that he will stay clean for the rest of his life, especially if he doesn’t continue to work some sort of program. Take care of you and what you need to do for your mental health because that is the only thing you have control over. Read codependent no more and see if you can find Pleasure Unwoven on YouTube. It is a really good documentary about alcoholism. We watched it during family week in rehab. Get into counseling. Stick around her and learn everything you can about alcoholism. I wish I would’ve done all those things before I hit my rock bottom and gave my ex an ultimatum. It may not have changed the outcome but it would’ve likely helped my mental health. I couldn’t talk to anybody about this and it was lonely. Now I know I should’ve taken care of myself and put myself first rather that worrying about what he would think about me talking about it with friends etc. I did weekly counseling from the time he went to rehab until I moved out 2 years later and I never realized how much I needed it. I still go to counseling not every 6-8 weeks for maintenance so to speak and it has been a life saver. Alcoholics are manipulative and are good at making you doubt yourself and ruining your self confidence and at gaslighting. You need someone to talk to that will make you realize you are not crazy and that your feelings are justified more often than not. And that you are entitled to whatever feeling you have (or even don’t have...I felt guilty for a long time that I couldn’t get past all the resentment after my ex did get sober). I don’t know if you have kids as well as but this is not a good environment for them to grow up in. Very dysfunctional and unhealthy which will put them at higher risk as well to fall into the codependent/alcoholic trap. Not saying you have to leave today or tomorrow or whenever, but educate yourself and start taking care of you. Figure out what your boundaries are and don’t feel bad about whatever they maybe. You are not obligated to put up with his behaviors just because you are married to him. Nothing you will do will make him happy or will make him quit (or drink for that matter) The only one that has control over that is him. And until he is really ready mentally to quit for himself and work a program, he will not succeed in staying clean. Just remember that about crions speak louder than word. He can talk the talk but until he is ready to walk the walk it is just empty words. Quitting drinking is only a very small part of recovery. They have to learn new and healthy coping skills. They also say that alcoholics stop maturing emotionally when they start drinking, so depending on when your husband started doing drinking you may be dealing with the emotional maturity of a teenager. It takes along time and a lot of work to grow up and mature so to speak especially if they gave been drink g a long time