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Old 12-03-2019, 09:44 AM
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righttheship
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Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 36
When the Chaos Subsides

When my (estranged) AH was in active addiction, the entire focus was on him. He created so much chaos, there wasn't room to think about much else. He's now coming up on 6-months of not drinking (after doing 30-day in-patient rehab). With that has come some measure of peace and predictability, and I'm left to finally think about myself--how did I get into this situation? why did I accept such poor treatment? why did I ignore the red flags? why didn't I walk away years ago? where are my boundaries? what is wrong with ME?

The bottom line is: if I had had more self-esteem, if I had thought that I deserved more, I would never have dated AH, I never would have married him, and I never would have tried to build a life with him. The signs were all there. They were, as much as I hate to admit that.

But now I feel like I'm taking on 100% of the blame. Like, this whole terrible situation is my doing. There was one person who had the power to right the ship, to get out of dodge, and it was me, and I didn't do it soon enough or fast enough. I was paralyzed by what other people would think, by needing to pay tuition to the fancy nursery school I just had to send my boys to, by a lot of stupid stuff, I guess. And so I just went on day-by-day--telling myself I was doing the best that I could in a situation created by my AH--as things got progressively worse.

Ugh, I'm just rambling. Not even sure what I'm trying to say. Just maybe that it's hard to accept my role in this sh*tshow, I guess.
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