Hi bulldog.
I’ve suffered on and off with depression my whole life. On my dads side, there are a lot of mood disorders, and coincidentally also alcoholism on his side as well, I just inherited it. I think about things too much and I’ve just always felt I’m tethered to that dark underbelly of life in a way that can’t offer release. I also have PMDD. I don’t know how much lay dudes know about PMDD but it’s brutal and leaves me sometimes almost psychotic.
I’ve tried so. Many. Meds. You name it, I tried it. Antidepressants, different types and levels of hormones for the PMDD, I even had someone put me on methylphenidate once to “snap me out” of the bedridden refusing to get out of bed behavior. It wasn’t a good suggestion by the doc, I didn’t sleep for three days and wandered the city....that was in my late teens. I don’t trust meds now. Every single one of them failed. Usually, I turned into a zombie but sometimes I’d get manic.
After getting rid of the booze which was obviously my favorite temporary relief for way, way too long: I have three tools now. Some of them are best as an adjunct to others but basically only three things can take the edge off my depression: 1. Nutrition 2. Exercise and 3. Doing something meaningful.
Nutrition can be a double edged sword because the behaviors can get weird but when it’s on target, I have relief that I can notice. Exercise is a magic bullet. It works so well that I’ve begged my family to tell me to go to the gym when I’m sinking and can’t seem to find my way out of the hole. As for doing something meaningful, this can sometimes be service to others: which my job is comprised of but becomes a source of stress often, also I volunteer with my daughter which always lifts me up: but also, flow. Playing piano, singing, putting together a garden, for someone else it might be writing, art, crafts..working on bikes or cars...decorating your house...whatever it is that puts you in a flow state can give relief. Some people achieve flow by being in nature, it’s not quite enough for me but I can see how for some nature immersion could do it.
The hard part is, once depression takes hold, doing the things you need to do can be hard. Sometimes, it feels impossible. If we can remember that once we start doing the self care, the pain will inevitably start to lift, we can sometimes get up and make it happen.
Sobriety for me is finding these things. All of them. Even the ones that haven’t served me that well (Netflix, binge eating, seclusion) I have experienced and moved through as many of them as I could. The three things I mention above are what works for me out of a long list of things I have done to try to cope with life without turning to a drink. The short list will be different for everyone.
But I think moving through your list actively and changing it and adapting it is just the work of dealing with depression and becoming sober. Especially if the traditional methods haven’t worked like they should.
Thanks bulldog for allowing me some space to talk. I’m glad you’ve been able to move out of your dark space for a number of weeks now, I understand fully what that kind of relief feels like.