Thanks Auchieshuggle,
I appreciate you sharing that. The thing that stands with me is the before and the now.
I.e the before I even touched drink, I struggled bad enough with these symptoms to a point where it ruined my life. Yet for most the part, I didn't know if feeling that way was normal or not. I went feet first into life wanting a good life like anyone and sadly due to symptoms, it was ruined.
Knowing something wasn't right I went to doctors for help but got none. I was just about getting by, with having major knock downs in society due to symptoms, but that was ok as I still had family for support. Family were then unwell and died, which left me without that support and so I started drinking to self medicate.
I can understand a lot of people saying the after's of booze can cause anxiety, but I don't think that was ever the case for me, in fact my drinking habit's will make a lot here think "damn, that's very little". Such as 10 units a week (about 4 pints in 1 sitting). There was a reason to stop, my family needed me in their unwell states.
Now, since their deaths, I've lost that support and when I drink to self medicate, it's like there's no reason to stop. I.e if I was drinking one day, self medicated, why stop that feeling when the next day will be spent on my own depressed anyway.
To take part in exercise, there needs to be some sort of boost. I've never been one for exercise, although I've given it a go and it just seems to do very little.
The key with that is day to day I live in the reality, the circumstances. There's little to have a boost from or energy. As I'm stuck in a cycle where if I stay in, I feel I'm wasting my life, if I go out then I've got the usual symptoms to contend with.
If there was just a gap from the nothingness. Just something, rather than "It doesn't matter what I do now, it's still weeks, even months of silence on my own".
For me the spiritual side doesn't do a lot. I was baptised as a kid and even went to a catholic school but after seeing my family go downhill with illnesses and die so cruelly, it means nothing to me anymore.
Deep down there's a lot of unresolved issues and various things that stop a lot of progress.
For example, if I were to exercise at home now, feeling low about mums death. I do it, mum is still dead, there's still silence here. It doesn't change the bigger picture in my life and stop these symptoms.
As a kid I tried loads including shukokai karate, lifesaving swimming, taking part in a football league and I struggled completely. The "reward" for me back then was getting it out the way, struggling throughout and then getting a packet of sweets from the shop to take home and enjoy at home in a comfort zone.
As an adult, of course a packet of sweets isn't considered a reward, nor does it give a buzz and help power through the lowness of mental health.
I'm always an optimistic person generally.... "Yeah, lets go out, it's only a supermarket for a loaf of bread", "yeah, lets have a coffee, easy". No fears or worries. Yet it's the symptoms that are there still. I'd understand if I had the worries but I want to get stuff done.