I relate
I'm swimming in a pool of family crap. All surrounding my still very much physically alive, but totally mentally fried, parents.
I hate what booze has done to my life too. I recently broke my ribs, not booze related, but I couldn't get anything for the pain. I was soooo resentful. The opiate addicts that are victims to big pharma and physicians. Yet I, who hav3 never had any other addiction than booze, am weak. Am I not a victim to big booze? Has criminalization ever ever worked? My point being, because I'm a drunk I couldn't get anything for pain. And I'd rather have triplets that go through that again. It was really crushing.
Well so there's that. So I get it. I find myself dreaming of a day that I never, ever have to speak to a single person in my family. Not from lack of love....but we are all so fricken damaged by this drug.
So then what? I guess I breath deeply. Last night, as I lay in bed, unable to sleep, mad, angry, hurt, frightened (I had to speak with the brother that molested me yesterday....I could tell he was terrified too...his voice actually cracked...and this dude is like Vin Deisal or something) I just laid there. Palms open (I tend to clench my fists...not sure what that is about) and just said: Breath in goodness, breath out pain....over and over.
I am so lucky. I am sober. I have 2, it might be 3, college freshman on break upstairs eating me out of house and home. Doing laundry. Cooking. Able to buy food for all of them.
Alcohol sucks. But gratitude, just for the little things, helps.
Ok that was not an uplifting post. Just know you aren't alone.