Just to add. I think I've even realised that although most doctors don't understand my situation, a few that have ended up telling me more or less that drinking is a good thing in my situation as I have so little in my life.
When I told them about self medicating they heard how much I drunk. I told them if I was going out to do some shopping, after about 10 minutes the symptoms are unbearable and so I would go to the pub, have about 2 or 3 pints to self medicate, do the shopping and then when back home have 2 or 3 more pints to get emotional, let out a load of tears and feel I've released all that built up upset. They said "ok, well that doesn't greatly exceed the weekly recommend allowance. You aren't harming anyone and if it helps you manage then that's fine".
The problem when I drink loads is because of certain events that make me want to drink myself into oblivion. Like when someone comments on my symptoms or as had happened this year, my dog got attacked. It tips me over the edge, I can't cope anymore and can't help myself.
Yesterday was one of those days. I went out, went to the pub to self medicate and bumped into someone at the pub who I've had a few pints with ages ago. They know I have a gambling problem but even so, they were encouraging me to gamble on the fruit machines. It triggered me and I ended up gambling and losing a lot of money.
I was then in rampage mode because I was so upset about the loss, drinking pint after pint, even buying cans and drinking them in the street and having weird ideas in my head like throwing a brick through a window (I didn't). I got home and had ideas of burning my house down (I didn't).
I haven't had a binge like that for several months. The point is when I'm self medicating it really stops me experiencing the symptoms which cause me such hurt. That's why it's hard to stop.