Ann

This is perhaps my favourite reading from Language of Letting Go.

I thought I could save my son. I thought if we loved him enough and gave him a safe place to live and directed his actions...that maybe, just maybe, he would see the light.

In the end, we did more harm than good. We helped him escape consequences for his actions, bailing him out of jail, paying his creditors, falling for his "stories" which always involved giving him money that went straight to his drug dealer...we gave him a soft place to land and were a good "cover" for his illegal activities and we are lucky that WE did not end up in jail for knowing he was involved in drugs and stolen goods.

Please read this once...then read it again. If you think that it's different for you, that your loved one isn't like "those people", then read it again and again. Find help for yourself, meetings or counseling or read some good recovery material such as "Language of Letting Go" or "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. She tells it like it is and most times she nails it.

Hugs
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Into Orbit

It doesn’t matter if they’re hurting themselves. It doesn’t matter that we could help them if they’d only listen to, and cooperate with, us. IT DOESN’T MATTER, DOESN’T MATTER, DOESN’T MATTER, DOESN’T MATTER.
— CODEPENDENT NO MORE

I think I can change him. Nobody’s ever really loved him and appreciated him before. I’ll be the one to do that, and then he’ll change. . . . She’s never been with anybody trustworthy before. I’ll prove how trustworthy I am, and then she’ll be able to love. . . . Nobody’s been able to get to her, to conquer her, before. I’ll be the one to do that. . . . Nobody’s ever really given him a chance. . . . Nobody’s ever really believed in him before. . . .

These are warning signs. Red lights. Red flags. In fact, if we’re thinking these thoughts, they need to be stop signs.

If we have gotten hooked into believing that somehow we will be the one who will make the difference in someone’s life, if we are trying to prove how good we can be for someone, we may be in trouble.

This is a game. A deception. It won’t work. It’ll make us crazy. We can trust that. We’re not seeing things clearly. Something’s going on with us.

It will be self-defeating.

We may be ”the one” all right—the one to wind up victimized.

The whole thought pattern reeks of codependency, of not being responsible for oneself, and of victimization. Each person needs to do his or her own work.

Nobody in the past has really understood him. . . . Nobody has seen what I see in her. . . . It’s a set-up. It sets us up to stop paying attention to ourselves while we focus too much on the other person. It takes us away from our path and often puts us in orbit.

Nobody has appreciated him enough. . . . Nobody has been good enough to her, or done for her what I can do.

. . . It’s a rescue. It’s a game move, a game we don’t have to play. We don’t have to prove we’re the one. If we’re out to show people we’re the best thing that ever happened to them, it may be time to see if they’re the best thing that ever happened to us.

We have not been appointed as guardian angel, godmother, godfather, or “the one who will.”

The help, support, and encouragement that truly benefits others and ourselves emerges naturally. Let it.

God, help me let go of my need to meet dysfunctional challenges in my relationships.

From the book: The Language of Letting Go: Hazelden Meditation Series