Thanks for the replies,
Very good points.
1. Yes I do and have "jumped", when asked...co-depend behaviour for sure. Feeling guilt;
2. Yes, my daughter deserves better and so do I have to re-build my self esteem, I have long ago stopped trusting myself. The good news is I have made some good decisions and have kept our lives afloat in spite of my brain being elsewhere most of the time...
3. Yes to going SLOW. I have so much to learn. My DD has been receiving counselling with an awesome therapist since last Feb and has been through the "bounce back" program for children who come from addicted families. It was a wonderful program, really intense but lots of big learning for her.
4. And the question from Trailmix...am I trying to orchestrate a family reunion....I can't deny this large part of me that wants that, is that what is motivating me....likely , no, mostly yes. Am I aware that this at the very least should be a LONG TERM GOAL...heck ya. Am I inching towards getting real with the situation.....SLOWLY, ya. Am I doing weekly therapy to try and look carefully at all my stuff, build myself up again and be content within my own head...ya. It is a slow journey. There is a mental model about this process that seems fit for me: Imagine recovery as a spiral and you are on this track, spinning towards some future end. As I approach the apex of a turn I lose all momentum and freefall back down. Still on the track but needing to re-build the speed needed to get through the turn.
Last night I let something she said affect me again...I remember the wisdom of the saying, "don't be blown by every wind", and at the very least I am aware of it...
Hoping for a few extra moments of peace.