I relate.
When I felt like that before as an active addict I didn't understand a key issue.
I have irreversible brain damage from drinking.
The booze has permanently altered my ability to make normal decisions at times, especially under stress. I had fight or flight responses way too much.
I had one today. I internalized it. It faded. Now, in my quiet time, my demons return. I relive all the negatives of today and the past. I can't help but wonder that if I didn't drink until I was 50, I would be better at this aspect of life.
Everything started clearing up slowly when I stopped drinking. But, the demons remain. They have less impact, but they haunt me.
Booze was my escape and my prison. Suffering, being a big boy, was my way out.
I am suffering now, and that is why I am here.
Thanks.