Mrakaronni,
Accepting your powerlessness over alcohol or the alcoholic in no way implies that you need to tolerate abuse. I say this to woman and to men. In my household when I began recovery it was pretty ugly. Grown alcoholic child and husband both acting abusive toward each other and to me. And I gave back as good as I got. I soon learned after beginning Al Anon that I did not have to tolerate abuse (verbal, mind you) and began to leave the house whenever things heated up. I would go to a meeting or the library or just for a ride. I kept my books in my car and my keys and cash handy and walked out...every time. Every time. My husband (24 years) still comments on it. It got to where he knew if he raised his voice he would be talking to the back of my head as I was slamming the door behind me. It was pretty hard for him to fight with no one.
Someone has to be the one to step up and stop the cycle and since you are the one who see's it that can be you. I emotionally stepped away from my relationship while I worked on me. As I got better it really didn't matter any more if Ward came along for the ride or not. All I knew is that I was not going to live that way anymore. He stayed, our relationship not only survived...it thrived. But it easily could have gone the other way. The most important thing for you to know is the only one you can change is you. She may come along and she may not but you are not going to save her by climbing down in that hole with her. Work on you and the rest will fall into place.