Prayers to you Whitejay!
The drinking gives us poopy thoughts. Get help for yourself, you are worth it and getting sober is worth it. Your thinking will improve. Your life will also as you begin to live again. I got so far down with mine I was also hanging by a thread until I stopped. Then I had to figure out what to do with my life as I really let most everything go that I once enjoyed. Now I am slowly rebuilding friendships, relationships, a career. Please get supported either through a treatment program or AA (or both) and you'll get your life back on track. Keep posting, this place is great. Best wishes to you!