GT, I fully understand. It remains that I CAN now fully recognise the AV without making a Big Plan. As I understand AVRT, the BP is constructed to provide a backdrop which will highlight any thought, image or feeling which suggests taking a drink.
Given I achieved two and a half years sober using AVRT successfully (with a Big Plan) to make another Big Plan, will only serve to add fuel to the AV.
I decided to cancel my Big Plan. and ignore the AV due to unrelenting thoughts (not alcohol related, but caused by tumultuous events). I drank because I wanted to switch off those thoughts, feelings, images (not alcohol related). It was a choice between hit myself on the head with a hammer, or similar, to render myself unconscious, or commit suicide, or drink: I chose the latter. What I failed to realise, is, once I started drinking, I wouldn’t be able to stop. I stopped again by seeking and accepting the support of the good folks on SR. Acceptance of that support does not imply that I need it ad infinitum.
GT, I can assure you that there was no ‘deep pleasure’ whatsoever in drinking. I drank to ‘knock myself out’ to stop thinking about past tragedies and future fears and predictions. Prior to my last two and a half years, there was no ‘deep pleasure’ I drank every day to stave off horrendous withdrawals. Any ‘deep pleasure’ was many years ago, before I became an all day, every day drinker.
It would’ve been more ethically immoral to me, to commit suicide, than to drink. The circumstances I was in were unprecedented and overwhelming. I’m now a non-drinker, and in time, I’ll take steps to right my little life-ship, with support, where required.