I hear ya. I went seven months once and drank. Don't ask me why, there was no logical reason for it. I was doing my laundry.
I had other periods of sobriety, too. But kept relapsing. That's when, after one particularly bad binge, I realized I couldn't do it alone.
I called AA. They sent me an Angel.
I would drink again but it was never the same. Here where people as bad as me successfully abstaining from alcohol. I wanted what they had and was willing to go to any length to get it.
Finally, I did get it. I was told if I kept my self in order I could be given a daily reprieve from alcohol.
It's working.
Help is out there, Boggle. Avail yourself to it. For me it took action to quit. I couldn't get and stay sober sitting on the couch.
We're all here for you. We understand. You are not alone.