Guilt seems to be a constant feeling
AH has been in a rehab facility for a week now. This time he’s doing a 30 day inpatient program, since outpatient didn’t go so well. 2 weeks since I told him I was filing for divorce. I’m taking our children to visit him tomorrow. My feelings are all over the place. Not because I miss him, but because I still can’t stop feeling guilty about the things that are about to happen. Divorce papers will likely be delivered while he is in rehab, and there are several things that I will have to talk to him about tomorrow (Like vehicle debts, bills, etc). I get the impression from his frequent phone calls that he is in denial about me filing for divorce. Sooooo I really dread tomorrow. No matter how certain I am that this is not my fault, I can’t shake the feeling that I am hurting someone and it makes me feel like garbage. I’m concrete in my decision. I know it is right for me. And I am happier already. But every move that I make towards betterment for myself, feels like I’m kicking dirt in his face. After all the lies and dishonesty for YEARS, you’d think it would be easier for me to just cut the cord but it still makes me feel like a bad person. I’ve always been a “people pleaser” and at 34 years old I still don’t know how to be ok with making decisions that make someone else’s life hard without feeling guilty. But here we go....