Got a letter yesterday informing me that the last date of my disability is two weeks from today and inviting me to apply for an extension if needed. I've no idea
today if I'll be ready to go back to 40 hours
then. I'll talk this over with my therapist tomorrow. At the moment, I feel like extending, but also want to be sure it's legitimate and I'm not somehow slacking. I feel some self-imposed guilt that I haven't been to a meeting in the last several days; completely unsure whether that's warranted or not.
I
am sure that halving the trazodone was exactly the right move. What a difference! It was mighty nice to wake up without an alarm today and simply get out of bed with no hesitation. I feel hope that I might actually accomplish something this weekend. That would be a welcome switch.
Started working on step 4 (again) yesterday and was surprised that my inventory included more self-seeking than anything else. Who else would be surprised by that? Probably nobody!
I made a little smiley-face there, but really feel a great deal of shame over that. What a maddening circle.
I'm off to IOP for my intake this afternoon. I know the structure that I think is needed, but am willing to be convinced otherwise. The counselor I think/hope I'll be working with knows me fairly well and I trust he will do as best he can to support me. Breathalyzer is due on my doorstep today so I'll be able to transfer daily antabuse check-ins to my sponsor and follow through on random requests to blow from middlest.
The beast is hovering over in the corner, trying to use my AV to cast doubt over all of these forward-thinking plans. IT thinks it knows better than
I do, but I know that this is the right path for
me. I hesitated to acknowledge it's presence, but there it is. Better to notice and dismiss it than to push it aside. Pushing takes active engagement, disregarding takes none.